Anticipation

Lately there has been a lot of this at our house:

Q: How many days until Finn comes?

A: Thursday, Friday, FINNDAY!

I guess dogs are a little different than little kids...Wicket just rolls his eyes when we say it.

We've been prepping the house and we have a list of things to get done before Finn comes. BHF and I are both a little nervous. Where is he going to sleep? Will Wicket love him or be so full of jealousy that he can't see straight? Is Finn going to have any problem adjusting from life in Louisiana to life in Massachusetts?

In short: We are so totally dog parents that it is both sickening and funny at the same time.

In other news I am back to being whole. BHF surprised me last night with this:

Ahhh...it is good to have you back old friend.

Hello

Hi. How’s it going?

I have no idea what to write today. I’ve got nothing and I want to have something.

Wicket has been very needy lately. I think he senses something is going on. We got a large crate the other day in anticipation of Wicket and Finn being the bestest of friends and sharing a crate. I realize we might have some transition time before that happens but I think eventually it will.

We’ve been trying to give Wicket a lot of attention lately. Sometimes I get a little emotional because I realize these days will be no more after Finn comes. The dynamic of our house will change and while I’m certain it will be for the better, Wicket will always be my baby. He will always have a special place in my ever-growing heart.

Gawd. Am I a crazy dog parent or what?

We’ve told some people about getting a new dog but we’ve glaringly not told BHF’s parents. And we won’t; not until we get him.

They have a way of, let’s see, raining on our parade about certain things. It sort of like when an 8 year old tells you they want a dog and they promise they will take care it. You lecture them about it and you give in but you just know after a month they will lose interest and the responsibility will fall on you.

Although we’ve never EVER asked them to do anything regarding our pets, we still feel like the 8 year olds in that scenario. We’ll get the lecture and the eye rolls and muttering under the breath and then it will all blow over once they realize the house did not fall down with two dogs living there. Look at us being all 30 and married and responsible and stuff.

As a side note, I showed my mom a picture of Finn and she said, “ben/finn is adorable! can't wait to meet him, bet you can't either!” Sometimes my mom surprises me. I totally expected her to be all cautious about the situation so I was really happy to read that.

Surprise?

So I'm a little bit of a tease. Turns out I don' t have a surprise for you. Or maybe I do - I can't decide. Either I tell you what is going to happen or I wait until it happens.

Oh hell, who cares. The big surprise is.....da dum - we're getting another dog!

Meet Ben, soon to be Finn (we think). He is a 2 year old Whippet. He is sable and white and cute.

And just to set the record straight - no, not pregnant. We sort of missed this round and will have to wait another long 45 days or so. I'm prepared to go a whole year or so trying but it totally messes with my head sometimes. I don't like making decisions with the what if factor looming overhead and so I've decided that I'm going to live my life assuming I am not pregnant and won't be in the immediate future. If it happens, then it will be a welcomed surprise and we'll deal with whatever then.

Saturday morning BHF and I went for a bike ride - we went 28.4 miles from Providence to Bristol and back. It was hot but the breeze on the bike made it bearable. We were sort of ill-prepared as we didn't really expect to go that far. We had no snacks, no money, no sunblock and no bike tools. Turns out we needed it all. Oh well. The best part was we woke up yesterday and weren't sore at all.

It is Monday and I don' t want to be at work. Oh, what else is new. Happy Monday!

Let's Play a Little Game

Shall we?


The game is called what is missing from this picture?

Figured it out?

Let me tell you a little story. Last year, after BHF and I got engaged, I contacted my insurance company to add my engagement ring to our renter's insurance. I faxed all the paperwork that was needed and assumed (you know what they say about assume - it makes an ass out of you and me) everything was all set.

Last month I contacted my insurance company to change our policy to reflect our new address. It was at this time that I was looking at my coverage sheet and didn't see my ring (apparently I couldn't be bothered to look at it last year when they sent it to me). I asked about it and my agent couldn't find it either and it turns out it was never added to my policy. Holy crap. Thank GOD nothing happened to my ring. I was told that in order to add it I needed to get another appraisal done since the previous one was too old.

That weekend we were planning on bringing it back to the jewelry store we bought it to get it appraised. We were in the car and I pulled off my ring just to look at it and something caught my eye. One of the very little diamonds was missing. So we brought it to the jewelry store and they took my ring and said they would send it away to be fixed, no charge. I casually asked how long it would take and the man replied 6 to 8 weeks. I gasped and took a step backwards. 6 to 8 weeks?

Currently I am on week 2 and let me just say that I've got a long road ahead of me. I miss looking at it and I feel naked without it. I am hoping that it will get back to me sooner.

I am hoping this day goes by fast because this weekend has the potential to be a big one. Let's just say that on Monday I might have a surprise for you all. Fingers crossed.

How To Make a Moment Special

Three years ago yesterday I was waiting outside a Mexican restaurant, nervous. I eyed each vehicle that pulled into the parking lot. When I saw the blue truck with racks and stickers I knew it was him. It was agonizing waiting for him to get out of the truck and walk up to the door.

That night we had margaritas, good food, and laughed about the ridiculous amount of birthday singing that was going on. We left the restaurant and went back to his place. It was a commercial during a Red Sox/Yankees game that I quickly leaned over for a kiss. I didn't want to leave him that night but I did. We spent the next night together and most nights after that.

On our first anniversary we went back to the restaurant. On our second anniversary I waited for him to suggest it but he didn't. We spent the night with his family instead. This year we've been spending too much money lately so we skipped the restaurant again.

Last night's dinner wasn't anything great but I lit a candle to make the meal feel more special. About half way through BHF pulled something out of his mouth that he assumed was a chicken bone.

It wasn't. It was a twist tie.

I swear to you a) I wasn't trying to kill my husband and b) I am a good, clean cook.

I couldn't stop laughing but BHF didn't find it quite as amusing. As a matter of fact I had to go down the street and get him a peppermint stick shake as penance.

Adjusting

OK, so maybe I'm having a bit harder time transitioning into the new house than I expected. I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I can tell.

Wicket, however, has had no trouble. We had two peeing incidents days after moving and since then he has been a super good boy. He loves having a yard to run around in and play.

My Life Is So Hard Vol. 1,569

And yet my life is no so hard. Not even close to it.

It’s just that I’m not all that happy. I mean, I have my good and my bad days. I laugh during each day and I smile a genuine smile but…

But…something isn’t quite right and I don’t know what it is. I find myself reminiscing over memories, some good but most bad. Times when I was a mess. Times when I was drinking too much, eating too much (or distortedly), fooling around with guys too much. Basically when I didn’t give a sh*t about myself. With each memory I shudder and immediately feel embarrassed and ashamed. I used to be proud at how much I’ve turned my life around and how much more I care about myself now.

But now I just flip flop between not wanting to care anymore and wanting all those memories far, far away.

I am too hard on myself. I know this. I think this might be part of the problem because when you feel like a failure in so many areas of your life, what else is there to do but fight it or accept it and live it?

Have you ever tried to fight yourself? Mentally? It is a hard, hard battle. It is much easier to just believe that you are a failure and a loser. And when people tell you otherwise they are lying.

I am a horrible boss, a mediocre employee, an impatient mother, a lousy wife. I am fat, impatient, boring. If I was in therapy this is when my therapist would make me give a list of positive things I am.

I would come up with caring and struggle for any more. Even then I wouldn’t really believe it.

I’m hoping this will all pass. I’m hoping that in a couple weeks things will settle down both at home and at work.

I know I’m in need of some serious recharging when I want to go to my hometown. It’s not like I get a whole lot of TLC from my parents but at least in some dysfunctional way it is comforting.

Wishing I Was Anywhere But Here

I woke up angry. Tired but not able to sleep because Wicket was antsy...he needed to go out. I knew BHF wasn't going to get up anytime soon. So I got up, put some shoes on, found a sweatshirt and out we went. When we got inside the cat was meowing at me. Just let it go I said to myself.

I decided to make a pot of coffee - got the coffeemaker out and while that was brewing I started to rearrange the kitchen cabinet. The kitchen and dining room are a disaster and I really can't stand it anymore.

I went to the bathroom, I came back and coffee and grinds were all over the counter and into the drawer that was open below.

I don't want to spend the rest of my day angry. But it's rainy and there is so much to do around the house and it is overwhelming. Especially when right now I wish I was anywhere but here.

Yesterday I spent 3 hours ironing curtains and putting them up and taking them down. This is not a domesticated chore that I enjoy. At all.

I was looking forward to this long weekend and I think rather than refreshing me it is wearing me down further.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.