Pulling Back

Lately I feel like my blog (and life) is super boring and most times I write because I hate what I wrote the day before and can't imagine that being the last thing I wrote. There is only so much talk about the dog, husband, MOH and future baby that one can do (or read).

The truth is, my life is pretty great and stable which is terrific. But I am not a writer. I started this blog as a journal, a place for me to release some of my emotions. I was having a rough time figuring out my feelings about a new relationship and because I had no readers it was easy to pour out my heart. You won't find many of those early, raw posts anymore because last year I went through and deleted them. I started to get more readers and I felt vulnerable.

I often don't let people really get to know me simply out of self-defense. Not letting people in is difficult though and soon enough I start to feel like I'm not being myself and I start pulling away. The reason I have had a hard time maintaining friendships over the years is simply because I need a lot of attention. I need to know that I am valued and appreciated and genuinely liked before I will even consider revealing any part of me.

There is only one person I can honestly say I feel 100% myself with; I don't have to worry about acting the right way or being judged. Kudos to my husband for sticking it out because for the first year of our relationship I was a Bitch with a capital B. I just couldn't deal with my feelings and my emotions and took it out on him. To this day I have no idea why he stuck around. I suppose I should also mention that he hasn't been perfect either. I guess that is why I believe that some people are meant to be together.

I've noticed myself pulling back in the blog world lately which surprises me. I have no reason to doubt that the friends I've met, my readers, are genuine. And yet...I don't know. I feel like something just isn't quite right. I'm beginning to feel like maybe I just don't really fit in. Or maybe I don't want to?


Last night I realized that I am finally at peace with the whole MOH thing. It has been two weeks since I called her and I don't feel sad or bad anymore. I want to be friends with her but I am letting it go. If/when she calls I will be here. If she doesn't? Then maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

As You Wish

It's done and I like it. I wish she didn't cut my bangs quite as much but oh well, not much you can do about it.

Last night after my haircut.

My first attempt at styling this morning.

Why do boys have to be so stupid? No matter how terrible a hair cut may be it is always wise to say, "honey your hair looks nice" so that your wife doesn't spend the rest of the evening thinking a) it is hideous, what the hell did I do? or b) would it kill my husband to say something nice about the way I look? I mean, I know I'm not a supermodel but a bone here and there would be nice.

I suppose that is why I have you my blogger friends. Even if you don't like it, you'll still say it's cute. And that is why I heart you all.

Hair Advice?

I usually don't notice those things but this is my 400th post. Wowee.

I have a hair appointment this evening. I was planning on just getting a trim but I'm open to suggestions (except for super short). So if anyone is thinking to themselves I know what would look super awesome on Sass! do share. Last time I got my hair cut was over 3 months ago, picture here. I don't want to do any coloring because of the expense and commitment.

Update: A couple people have suggested a cute bob which is something I was considering. Something like this?

The Usual

BHF and I talked about he dog hitting incident and feel much better about it. BHF was very calm about it all (as was I) and as usual I just made things more difficult in my head than they needed to be. However, this weekend it was reiterated that Wicket does not listen to me and listens very well to Brett.

Yesterday BHF had to work so for most of the day I was moving around in the apartment cleaning and cooking. Wicket was following me EVERYWHERE. It is hard sometimes to give him as much attention as he wants. When BHF got home I suggested that he give Wicket some attention since I haven't been able to. Fast forward a little while and I'm standing at the stove, stirring a pot and Wicket lifts his leg and starts peeing on my leg. Fan-fu**ing-tastic. The thing is, I noticed Wicket drinking a lot of water and even said to myself, I wonder if Wicket drinks water like that so he can purposely pee in the apartment but then figured that our dog isn't that smart. Or is he. I think Wicket and I need to do a little training session or something to get us in sync.

We saw Juno on Saturday and I loved it and also cried. You know, the whole pregnancy thing. I also watched Waitress yesterday without knowing anything about it and also cried.

Have I mentioned the apartment downstairs? The landlord has been doing a lot of work and BHF and I have considered moving downstairs because the layout is better and more spacious. It would mean that we would lose our storage room though and it would be more expensive. Yesterday we found out it would be $125 more a month which isn't too bad. However, we decided that it probably wouldn't be worth it since we have no idea when his aunt & uncle's house will become available and could be as soon as 6 months not to mention the added expense of having a baby. But this morning I took a look and sighed at the taller ceilings and open living room/dining room set up. Also, there is a small deck and the second bedroom is bigger. I know we need to decide one way or the other and be done with it but I just wish I knew what the future holds.

BHF is working 4 nights this week which sucks. I know I shouldn't complain because it really isn't that bad but when Wicket acts up I can feel like I'm losing it. It is at those moments that I really admire single mothers. I pray that I never have to do it alone.

Lighter and Fluffier

In light of yesterday's post I'm going to make today's a little...well...lighter. Thank you all for your helpful comments, I feel a little better about it all and I'm sure that the talk will be a good thing.

I'm a creature of habit and as a result I wear the same clothes to the gym every day. Not my actual work-out clothes, but the shirt and pants that I wear over them. The pants are a simple pair of cotton athletic pants that I think I got as a sample from work 5 years ago. The shirt is a simple cotton long sleeve shirt that I got in high school. High school! I know this because it was from a soccer exchange that we did my senior year and on the back it says '95 on it. The (tie dye by the way) shirt I wear to the gym every morning is 12 years old! Can you believe that? I couldn't when it dawned on me the other morning.

La has this great thing she does on Fridays which is to post a picture from her younger days. I thought I would do the same today. This is one of my favorites. Have a great weekend!

A Wee Bit Heavy

I ended up calling my friend/MOH on Tuesday evening. I've been sitting on it for a while, knowing that I need to do it. Then Monday night BHF asked me if I had given the situation anymore thought. When I told him that I would be sad if I missed her wedding, he agreed. BHF might not really care for my MOH but at least I know he cares about me more. So I decided to call her Tuesday night, when BHF was working and I would be alone. She didn't answer - I didn't think she would. However, I thought she might call me last night but she didn't. So now it is back to the waiting game which is better I guess than dreaming about her several times a week and having pangs of guilt.

Something happened on Sunday night that kind of scared me. Wicket was sitting on the couch, it was late, he was sleepy. BHF was kind of playing with him - trying to rile him up a bit. Wicket all of a sudden bit BHF; he must have touched him in a way that really upset Wicket (we have NO idea what. It seriously came out of nowhere). BHF was mad and hit Wicket across the face who basically fell into the kitchen. BHF then followed him into the kitchen and started yelling at him and hit him again. I said, "Don't hit him again" and you know what BHF said to me? "Don't tell me what to do."

Excuse me?

I was so mad but given the situation I knew it wasn't appropriate to bring it up right then. But you know what I wanted to do? Coddle Wicket because in my opinion, hitting is NEVER appropriate. Unless you are fighting for your life and in this case Wicket didn't even break the surface. Sometimes I think BHF expects Wicket to be a good dog all the time. I have to remind him that Wicket has gone through a lot - his previous owner went to jail and didn't tell anyone he had a dog. Besides, he is a dog. A DOG! He doesn't know any better.

And also, I am kind of pissed about his response to me. He has never said anything like that to me before and I felt 2 inches tall after that. I didn't really care if his hand was hurting, even if I pretended to. I think it's been long enough that I'll probably bring it up this weekend. He'll probably get defensive and mad but we need to talk about it because it kind of scared me.

Tomorrow is Friday which is Fantastic (Fantastic Friday - woo hoo!). No plans as of yet but BHF has to work on Sunday so I'll probably do some cleaning and lounging around the apartment.

Recap, Recap!

I guess I must have left my invisible shield on because today cars wanted to slide right over and hit me. I had to swerve twice and for some reason honking the horn isn't a natural instinct for me. I also almost rammed into a car in front of me because the light turned green, we started to go, I glanced down for a second and when I looked up I was about to slam into the truck in front of me. Apparently driving and me are not a good combo today.

I know I'm a few days late but I thought I would share some of the pictures from snowshoeing this past weekend.

My new snowshoes.

Pretty view. Doesn't the snow look like sand?

There were 7 of us all together and not one of us knew everyone else. But it was a great group of people and we even got lunch afterward which was fun.

Aren't we just the cutest snowshoers you've ever seen ;) And also, BHF rocks because I stupidly forgot my hat and he didn't even whine about it even though I have way more hair - he just gave me his and put on a baseball hat.

Friday, Pizza, and Randomness

I'm having one of those days that SLOWLY ticks by. I don't have anything interesting to write - wasn't even going to bother - but then I felt like I should. Who knows why.

Tonight is Friday which means it is pizza night. Occasionally we order a pizza but most of the time we make it at home. As a shower present I got a baking stone and pizza peel. It took me a while to get the hang of it - it is hard to do a big, normal size pizza on the stone (or at least for me it is). So lately we've been doing smaller pizzas. I've also been more adventurous with my pizza making - last week I tried a white pizza with ricotta and a prosciutto, mushroom and garlic pizza. Tonight I'm going to make one and BHF is going to make one. I think I'll do chicken, prosciutto, garlic and tomato. A buffalo chicken pizza would be good too though.

OK, I totally didn't mean to tangent onto pizzas but I did.

Has anyone gone to see Bodies...The Exhibition? We were invited to go this weekend and I don't think I really want to go but I could be persuaded. Why are things so expensive?

The last time we went the vet the doctor told us the cause of Wicket's heart murmur and that he should:

• Avoid strenuous exercise.
• Start a heart healthy prescription food.
• Start heart medication to slow heart disease progress.

To that I say:

• Try telling a whippet NOT to run hard!
• This dog food? Triple what our normal dog food costs. I am not spending more money on the dog's food than our own food.
• Wicket is only 2 years old. Does he really need to take a daily pill every day for the rest of his life? Whippets usually are pretty healthy - their demise is usually old age or cars. I can't see putting Wicket on medication for the next 10 years.

And yet I feel like an awful parent if I don't do all these things. I love Wicket to pieces - he is our baby - but where do you draw the line between human and dog?

We had craptastic weather this morning but now the sun is shining and it looks beautiful out there. I wish I could get the hell out of here and start my LONG weekend early. Tick tock, tick tock...have a great weekend everyone!

Today...

is a new day

has the potential to turn my frown upside down.

has me looking forward to a three day weekend where I can hopefully forget about my worries.

I look forward to snowshoeing this weekend and testing out my new snowshoes that are 100x better than my old ones.

I will eat better so I can feel better.

dinner will be a little bit more involved than it has been all week.

my husband will be home to eat dinner with me.

I will look forward to a glass of wine (or two!) tonight.

Wicket will behave because Daddy will be home. (OMG, thank you!)

has to be better than yesterday.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

So la la la, I've been on what you might call an emotional roller coaster the last few days. And blah.

Weekend was good and then we got snow on Monday and I decided not to go into work. But then it stopped snowing at like noon and the roads were clear so I started to feel guilty. And I think that's where things went downhill. Don't ask me why I felt guilty - I mean no one even questioned me on it - but I have a good girl mentality that kicked in. Oh, and also, BHF and I did a couple errands including going to Old Navy to return a sweater I got for Christmas. As usual, I tried on 50 different things and hated everything. This is why I don't go clothes shopping. I hate it. I never find anything I like or I don't want to spend the money and then I feel bad about myself.

I was feeling deflated and couldn't make any decisions (dinner?) and was cranky and when the dog stepped on my hair I freaked out because ouch and why can't everyone just leave me alone!

Not much has changed since then. This morning I thought maybe I just need to tell myself to be in a better mood. A great idea except it is more than that. My base line seems to be off - I am irritable and frustrated and feeling low self-esteem. Period?

Last night I had serious frustration with the dog. I was home alone and he was acting up more than usual and I couldn't.handle.it. It got me thinking that if I can't have patience with my dog (you really can never blame the dog...they're just doing what they do), how the hell am I going to handle sleepless nights and screaming babies and a huge life change? Then I felt guilty about yelling at Wicket so much so I lashed out at BHF when he got home.

All the while the MOH/best friend issue is in the back of my head. Feeling like I should call her, for 3 weeks now saying I will but then the day comes and I wimp out because what exactly do I want to say? I'm scared to break off our friendship and yet I'm not sure I am ready to invest the energy into saving it. Do I need to push myself or wait for the clear answer? Yesterday I looked online to see where she was registered. The idea of not going to her wedding makes me sad but the idea of going there, knowing that her HUGE family probably hates me scares me too.

So yeah...I'm just blah, not in the mood for dealing with people (or anything really) and figuring I'll just ride it out. Sometimes there isn't much else to do.

A Morning or Two

It is Friday and I am happy about that. I think I'm done dwelling on the negative so we'll move along.

Usually the week day mornings in Sass' household go like this:

5:43am - alarm goes off. I hit snooze, internally moan about how tired I am, turn off the alarm and get up.

5:47am- I go to the bathroom, change into gym clothes, put my sneakers on and leave for the gym.

6am - alarm goes off for BHF. God only knows when he actually gets up but I'm sure he hits the snooze button about 4 times. He leaves the apartment for school around 7 or 7:15am? Before he leaves he takes Wicket out and puts him in his crate.

7:30am - I get home, scoop the cat poop, turn the coffee machine on and hop into the shower.

7:45am - I get out of the shower, let Wicket out of his crate and feed him, get dressed, have breakfast.

8am - dry hair, put on make-up, brush teeth and put my jewelry on.

8:15am - gather lunch stuff, put Wicket in his crate, feed the whiny cat.

8:25am - drive off to work.

The past couple days have gone a little differently. Yesterday when I got home from the gym I was surprised to see Wicket saunter into the kitchen from the living room. I asked him if Daddy put him in his crate? I don't get a response. I see that Wicket got the toothbrush I got from my dentist appointment the day before and took it out of the plastic wrap. He also grabbed some coupons off the counter. I assume he hasn't been out of the crate long due to minimal damage. I later find out that BHF did put Wicket in his crate but it must not have latched completely.

This morning BHF had a doctor's appointment so he got to sleep in. When I returned home from the gym, I opened the apartment door (which squeaks), put my keys down and walked into the bedroom to undress for my shower. BFH was soundly sleeping and from the looks of a large lump, Wicket was snoozing away under the covers. Whippets do not make good guard dogs.

So yes, I am fully aware that my post is lame and boring. At least it isn't as depressing as yesterday.


Happy Friday!

I'll All Set With Today

I'm not in a terrible mood today but more annoyed at life. Here's why:

• PMS.
• It is only Thursday and when I woke up this morning I wanted to cry because I didn't want to get out of bed.
• BHF's version of taking out the trash and recycling. He does a half-ass job every week.
• And while we're at it - why does he have to put his shit on the cutting board and on my side of the table where I eat? I hate cleaning up after him. Put your shit in the trash or on YOUR side of the table.
• Childcare is ridiculously expensive. Like 3 car payments expensive. Can we really make it work?
• Bills.
• This weekend is full of plans every day. Plans that I'm not really excited about.
• Weighing myself for the first time in months this morning and realizing that all the healthy, conscience eating I've been doing has accomplished nothing. Wondering if I really have the strength and motivation to make a bigger effort.
• Our apartment is a mess and has been a mess for weeks on end. We're making a lot of changes that warrants an attitude of it will get worse before it gets better but still. I'm sick of it and embarrassed.
• My 30th birthday is next month and I have a clear idea of what I want and have articulated it to BHF. Problem is that it takes planning and BHF is a procrastinator. As a result I'm planning my birthday week. Sometimes that hurts a little.
• I have been anxious the last few days. I hate this feeling.

Fluff

I found this meme here and since I'm a sucker for astrology of sorts I decided to post it too.

Here's the deal: Pick your month of birth (from this site) and highlight the traits that apply to you. Then tag some people.


FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

If I could have I would have triple bolded Too sensitive and easily hurt.

What is your birth month and most bold attribute?

I'm Ready to Join the Country

I have been a very bad American. I have been reckless, irresponsible and greedy. You see, I don't follow politics. At all. I never have mostly because it doesn't interest me. I voted in the last presidential election but only because I figured I owed my country (and I didn't want to see Bush get elected. Ha, so much for that).

It doesn't help that BHF doesn't care much for politics either. We like to live in our little bubble where the only thing that matters is us. I know...selfish and immature.

But I think I'm ready for change. This morning my usual morning show had candidates and analysts on because of the NH Primary. I didn't change the channel and listened. I've always felt guilty about not utilizing my right but truthfully I need Politics for Dummies or something. Plus, saying to the world, "Hey, I don't know anything about the presidential candidates and the global and national issues at hand but that's OK" is like saying, "Would you like to take 15 minutes out of your day and yell at me for what a bad American I am and how I should be SO ashamed of myself?"

So my question dear readers is this: Do you have any recommendations on how to ease myself into the world of politics? I think my focus is on presidential right now but I know that my duties expand well beyond. Baby steps folks.

Bright Eyed

Last night I realized that today is our 3 month wedding anniversary (not like we are going to celebrate or anything). I asked BHF if it feels like we’ve been married longer or shorter. We both agreed that if feels longer. It doesn’t take much time at all to get back into the daily grind and our wedded day of bliss fades into the background. I’m OK with it.

Yesterday I didn’t get out of my pajamas until 2pm, only to take a shower and get back into some clean pajamas. I guess I needed to be lazy yesterday. I like it when I can trust my body and give it what it needs. I woke up this morning sneezing and sniffling - my sore throat and congestion has given way to a new set of symptoms. I don’t like colds that linger.

I have my first guest blogging gig at Molly's place. Dare I admit that I had a nervous belly last night in bed thinking about it? It is fine to ramble and be stupid on my blog but I felt this pressure to write something good – after all Molly has about 5 times the readers I do! I know I’m totally overthinking it. That's what I do.

I have a feeling this is going to be a long week. I hated getting up this morning. I haven’t worked a 5 day week in almost a month. Cheers to a tolerable Monday everyone!

Yay Weekend!

Yesterday the Wickerman had his teeth cleaned. He went under anaesthesia (scary!) but came out like a champ. He was still a little out of it when he got home. Have you ever seen a dog that is so sleepy they can barely keep their eyes open? Precious. We took a look at his teeth this morning - oh my gosh they are so white and sparkly and pretty.

Anyhoo, yet again I don't have much coherant to say so I will leave you with this picture because I think my dog is adorable and therefore everyone else must, right? BHF took it last April at my mom's house. I hope your weekend is relaxing as this.

Filler

I've got nothing today so I'm considering myself tagged.

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1) Mail Order - I did everything from answer phones (hated it) to packing orders to shipping orders (2) Mail room clerk in college. I think I was the only one on campus up at 8am on a Saturday (3) Supermarket cake decorator (4) Hotel front desk at a four star resort. The job wasn't bad but my supervisors were...uh....dumb. Oh, and the uniforms - ick.

Four movies I can watch over and over:
(1) When Harry Met Sally (2) Pretty Woman (3) Love Actually (4) A Perfect Murder.

Four TV shows I like to watch:
(1) The Office (2) Criminal Minds (3) Desperate Housewives (4) How I Met Your Mother.

Four places I have vacationed:
(1) Disney World multiple times (2) Las Vegas (3) Maine (4) Virginia Beach.

Four of my favorite dishes:
(1) Salad (2) Pizza - specifically the Silano at Bertucci's (3) Her Majesty cake - layers of chocolate cake, white & chocolate mousse, topped with ganache. YUM. (4) Nachos with all the fixings (minus olives).

Four websites I visit daily:
(1) Numerous blogs (2) Gmail and Yahoo. (3) Our bank account (4) Epicurious, Myrecipes, or Allrecipes - for recipes.

Four places I would rather be:
(1) Anywhere with BHF (2) On the couch snuggling with Wicket (3) Sleeping in our bed (4) Cashing in a winning lottery ticket.

Real

On Sunday we went to visit my niece (technically but she's only 4 years younger than me). She was one of my bridesmaids and had a baby 3 weeks before my wedding.

Can I tell you a secret? I don't fawn over babies. As a matter of fact I've always been kind of eh about them. I thought that now that I'm married and have decided (and look forward) to have my own babies my feelings would change. They didn't. I held the baby but then she fussed and I just assumed someone take her away from me. BHF swears it will be different when they're my own. Maybe it will. I've never quite grasped what other people go through until I do it myself.

I bought a couple books on pregnancy and immediately started reading one and (most likely) irritating BHF by blurting out, "Did you know?" and "Hey, listen to this..." while he is intently trying to solve the latest CSI mystery. Every now and then I still get panic-like attacks about what we're signing on for and can we really afford it and holy sh*t. I think the less I know the better. In terms of my anxiety anyway.

Now that we're in 2008 April feels so much closer. The fact that this might be my last pack of birth control pills makes me realize just how real this is. Whoa.