Just the Cure

Today I sent BFF a text that said:

I borderline hate him

He replied:

I all the way love you

Here and There

That sore throat that was bothering me on Friday has progressed into congestion and LOTS of sneezing and blowing my nose. It could be worse, yes, but it's just so annoying. I've done my time now let me be healthy! Not to mention that my stomach still feels weird. It feels like I've gained 10 pounds, my belly is bloated and uncomfortable after eating anything no matter what it is. I'm hoping it will pass and I can blame it on my period, my favorite scapegoat.
Sick of hearing me complain, no doubt, BFF and I decided on new STD cards. We ordered them last night. I feel much better about these and we only wasted $25 on the other ones. Sigh, not exactly the point when you're so budget minded.
I've been thinking a little bit about what I want to do for my next job. I don't exactly see myself here forever although it does offer the stability that I crave. The problem has been and will continue to be, what the F*** do I want to do? I've made half hearted attempts at figuring it out but it always seems like too much work and I lose motivation. I realize that there is a lot going on in the upcoming months to even think about changing jobs now. I made a pact with myself and with BFF that I would seriously look at my future employment after we get married. A lot can change between now and then and once we're married we'll have other things to consider such as buying a house and starting a family. A loose time line will be essential.
It's kind of exciting to think of the changes that will be happening in the next year. On the other hand, sometimes it doesn't feel real. At times I still feel like I'm on the outside looking in, not really experiencing them but rather watching them. I don't know if it's normal or not but most of my feelings come after the fact. I couldn't possibly tell you how I was feeling the moment BFF got down on one knee but I can tell you how I feel about it now. I look back on that night fondly, remembering a perfect "us" night; on the couch, in our PJs, goofing off and talking about the future. Overwhelming joy.

Today

Today I have Wicket with me at work. He threw up again in the car, at the exact same turn as last time. Poor guy.
Today BFF and I are going to visit my mom for her 60th birthday. We'll be staying all weekend, hopefully balancing seeing people with relaxing and fun.
Today I am grateful to have BFF in my life. Even more grateful to plan our wedding with him.
Today I have a sore throat that is annoying. My stomach feels somewhat iffy and waters tastes icky.
Today I was happy to wake up and see it snowing.
Today I have no desire to work.
Today I have no doubt that getting Wicket was a really good thing for me. A cat will never do it for me like a dog does.
Today is Friday and I am happy about that. Happy weekend!

Warning...Wedding Vent

This morning I decided that I am no longer sharing my wedding plans with anyone other than BFF. I am not a strong decision maker and even after making one I waiver, doubting that I made the right one. More than once over the last couple weeks I have doubted a wedding decision because of someone's reaction. When I tried on my wedding dress for my mom I was crushed. She said, oh it's pretty, blah blah blah, but I wanted more. I wanted the aww, the tears, the gushing. I left thinking I don't like my dress anymore. When I mentioned I wanted red sparkle shoes for my wedding I got a horrified look from FMIL (future mother in law). When I said I'm going to do black bridesmaids dresses, everyone choose their own because I am never going to be able to find a dress for everyone I got, "so morbid, it's like we're going to a funeral" from my mom. Last night I told FMIL about the STD cards. I got no response. I have learned no response equals she no likey.
I know not everyone is going to agree with what we decide to do. I get that wedding planning is stressful and full of arguments from all sides.
I don't want that.
Truth is, lately I haven't really cared about the details of this wedding. I just don't. It has nothing to do with not wanting to marry BFF or anything like that. I know that the day will be perfect when it comes, no matter what. Stressing about flowers and music and invitations and dresses seems so silly to me. Maybe I'm going into a lull and things will perk up again. If they do I'll take it as it comes.
In the meantime I am not sharing anything with anyone close to us. Yeah, I shouldn't let it bother me but I do. Right now I need to protect my self esteem and my self worth. Everyone has something to say about something. I just don't want to hear it.

Tagged

It seems a lot of people tagged to do this have done it before. I have too but since I have nothing but love for Molly I will scrounge up some more oddities.

• I can't stand a messy kitchen. The bedroom, bathroom, living room, any other room can be a mess but the kitchen cannot. I detest dirty dishes in the sink. I used to have to wash them right after a meal but I've mellowed out a little bit. Now they usually can't sit for more than 24 hours before I do them.
• When I find something that I like I usually become obsessed with it. Music, movies, food, beverages; I wear them out.
• I cut my grilled cheese sandwiches into three pieces on the diagonal (see example below). This is how my dad always cut them for me. I don't cut any other sandwich like this, just a grilled cheese. Also, I usually immediately pull one corner piece apart so it's just bread with cheese on it. You have to do it while it's still hot or it won't work. Yum.

• I like to squish things. Bread is especially nice to squish.
• I've never been certain of anything in my life. What I want for a career, whether I want to get married, have kids, where I want to live. Somehow I just end up in the right place. I'd say I'm a big believer in things happen for a reason because they seem to for me.
• I get annoyed by people who don't follow the rules, especially when they get away with it. I am a by the book person most of the time. BFF is not. We balance each other out.

Crazy Man

BFF wants to be in NH by 4am tomorrow. Um...no. I am not getting up at 2:30am. I told him I can wake up at 4:30am but that's my limit. Isn't he asking a little much since I'm driving for 3 hours round trip to drop him off?

Work is very slow today. It's just me and RF (religious freak). Talk about torture... He's all chipper too which means he wants to talk to me for hours on end. Serously, that man can talk.

Wicket got a coat yesterday! A woman I used to work with somehow finagled me this custom coat for free! It's got thinsulate so it's extra warm which is much needed and he no longer shivers with it on. It's probably a little too short but it does the job so that's all that matters. I had no idea measuring a dog would be so hard. I guess it's just one of those things that I don't "get". Anyhoo, here he is, my handsome guy. He's not a big fan of the coat yet. If you look close you can see Sammers as well.

It Will Be Fine, Right?

So this trip that BFF is taking. Let me tell you a little more about it.
I have to get up around 5am (if not earlier!) to drive an hour and a half to drop him off. He's starting his trek at the Wapack trail in NH (21 miles) and then hiking the Midstate (92 miles). Along the way there are primitive shelters. It's February. He's hiking alone. When I told him that I want him to send me a text message every day to let me know he's OK I think he thought it was an odd request. I instructed him to leave me a map and his "itinerary" just in case. I'm sure he'll be fine, but yeah, I'm a little freaked out about it.
On my list of things to do to occupy myself this weekend:

• Make a big dent (or finish?) the blanket I started knitting 5 years ago and have yet to finish
• Spend the afternoon with Molly doing something fun
• Go to the library and get some good chick lit. Any suggestions?
• Clean and organize the apartment
• Finish the STD cards
• Maybe rent some good chick movies that BFF will never want to watch

Unrelated, an e-mail my friend sent, subject: Read this when the wedding planning gets nutty.

I don't see anyone waiting by the door, but I see that it's only 6:54pm. I start to get really nervous and clumsy. So I remind myself to take deep breaths. I decide I will wait in the car for a few more minutes and then wait by the door. So at 6:57pm. I walk up and wait by the door. As I'm standing there I feel a little better because I'm there first. I see a blue truck pull up and I just know that it's him. So I try to pull myself together and not look nervous. But it feels like an eternity for him to get out of the truck.

It was an e-mail I sent to her the day after BFF and I had our first date.

Happy V Day!

I'm so mad that I came to work today. BFF's school got cancelled and it took me over an hour to get here this morning. I just heard someone say their husband spun out on 95. I hate driving in bad weather.
I'm looking forward to tonight. A nice dinner, some yummy drinks and a quiet evening. I got some beautiful roses and chocolate from BFF yesterday which was very surprising. He said he got inspired by Opie & Anthony. Go figure.
This past weekend we bought our wedding bands and that is our Valentine's Day presents to each other. Now we have a location, an officiant, and rings. Sounds like all we really need, right?

Cross Your Fingers

While at the bank a little bit ago I realized that Monday is a holiday and therefore I don't have to work. Normally I would be happy, ecstatic and probably would have had it all planned out weeks ago. Right now I'm just wondering what I will do to occupy myself for three whole days. BFF is going on a hiking trip on Saturday (dragging me out of bed super early in the a.m. to drop him off) and thinks he'll be done on Wednesday evening. I could go home to my mom's but that means traveling with Wicket and I'm not sure I want my first trip with him on a car, bus and boat to be alone. Plus, we had planned to visit for her 60th birthday the following weekend.
I told BFF to go on this trip and I am excited (if not terrified that he's going ALONE in winter) for him to do it but also I'm a little sad. Sad because we don't get to spend much time together as it is and now we have a month worth of weekends not together ahead of us. Having him all to myself last night was bittersweet as I was reminded of how nice it is to have dinner with him, watch tv with him and just snuggle a bit before drifting off to sleep.
Work has been blah this week for no reason and I really really hope we have a snow day tomorrow. I'm feeling a little emotional lately and I think I need that stability that is being at home with BFF, Wicket and Sammers.
Besides what's more romantic than being snowed in on Valentine's Day?

No Way!

Today I turn 29. No one who meets me would think that I am that old. I'd like to think I look 25 but honestly 22 might be more accurate. When people look shocked at my age I just smile because really what am I supposed to do? I'm used to it and honestly it doesn't bother me.
My long weekend was really nice and very eventful. It was chock full of smiles and laughs and Wicket being Bad Dog! and tearing apart everything in the apartment including not one but two boxes with chocolates in it. We're lucky that he's still OK.
Birthdays usually make me emotional and oftentimes sad. Today I feel OK. A few sad moments this morning but I feel pretty happy. I made my birthday weekend a good one and therefore I have nothing to be sad about. My party on Friday was amazing and fun and it really made me feel like a part of BFF's family. His grandparents even signed their card, "Grammy & Gramps."
I am hoping to leave work at 3pm so that BFF and I can go snowboarding tonight. There is no time to get emotional when you jam pack it with FUN.

Will There Be Balloons Too?

My mom is coming up tonight for a few days. We'll be doing some skiing (well she will), boarding, eating, celebrating, dress shopping, and hopefully relaxing. I'm taking the rest of the week off. Friday night we're going to BFF's parent's house to have dinner. Not just an ordinary dinner, a BIRTHDAY dinner. It's my birthday on Monday and we're celebrating a little early. I get a special dinner (I wonder what it will be?) and a special cake (chocolate w/white frosting) and another opportunity to really be so grateful that BFF's family is so great to me.
Talk to you all on Monday!

Twiddle

Unintentionally I told BFF last night that my blogging name is Sass. For some reason he got a real kick out of it. He's now addressing me as Sass. In a rather Sassy way I might add.
I narrowed down the bridesmaids dresses to a couple. Problem is that no stores nearby have samples of these styles. Hopefully my search on Friday will clarify some things.
I still don't like the STD cards.
My mom is coming to visit for a few days tomorrow. I'm glad she's coming but I wish she was coming more to hang out with me and do some wedding stuff. Instead I think her focus is going skiing.
I have a dull headache. I think it started last night at the gym. I was at a bad angle to see the tv and had to strain my neck and eyes. It didn't help this morning when Wicket gave me a headbutt.

Saturday, etc.

BFF and I took Wicket out in the morning together and went into the back yard to throw a ball around. Wicket was so excited to be off his leash and run around. His body is made to run. I can't wait to get him out into an open field and really see him take off. It's so beautiful to watch.
We went to meet a photography company consultant Saturday, late morning. It went very well and we are both pretty sure we will use them. I think we'll meet with one more photographer just to be sure. After the meeting, as we were walking out, BFF says, "It wasn't until 5 minutes in that I realized we were meeting with the photographer and not the reverend." Too funny.
We said our goodbyes in the parking lot and I headed over to the mall for my big date. I was quite proud of my navigating skills in the city (following another car, hoping that they too were going to the mall) and found a great parking spot. Molly was running a little late so I waited in the entrance way of the restaurant. I looked intently at everyone coming in and out, wondering is that her? When she did walk through the door I knew it was her immediately and we had a very nice time. Even though I was meeting someone new, I wasn't as nervous as I usually am. There are a lot of things about me that Molly knows but there are a lot of things too that we don't know about each other. This meeting made a previous one dimension relationship become 3-D. I'm really glad we did it.
Yesterday BFF and I went to Ikea with intentions of getting two small tables. As usual we walked out of there with a bookcase and various other items. It's a dangerous place. Thankfully we had a gift card from xmas to use.
I'm having second thoughts on my STD postcards. BFF says they are fine but I think they look piecemeal. I might be having a perfectionist moment. I'll give it a couple days to sit with me before I really start to freak out.
Happy BRRR Monday!

Variety Pack

Have I told you about my shameful secret? Don’t judge.
Sometimes I listen to Dr. Phil on the radio on my way home from work. I listened last night and had to turn it off half way. The damn thing was making me cry. 20 years ago a girl saw her father kill her mother and she was confronting him for the first time. She was scared, angry but also sad. All she wanted and what she still wants is a father. It’s amazing to me how programmed we are to need our parents. My parents love me, I’m sure, but they weren’t really that great of parents and yet I constantly look for approval and advice from them. I get so angry when I see people who have children but don’t parent them. It’s such an important part of a child’s development, how can you NOT do that? Ugh.
BFF’s family often overwhelms him with questions and comments and advice. Me, on the other hand, I think it’s great. It shows that they care about him and his life. It feels a lot more loving than stone cold silence or indifference.
When I was driving to work today, I passed 4 plows on the highway. There was no snow on the road. Maybe ¼” had fallen. It was so ridiculous. Where are these guys when there actually is snow?
I have my first girl date. Molly and I are having lunch tomorrow! I’m nervous and excited. Part of me fears we won’t like each other and then what? But I’m sure we will and I’m sure we’ll have a smashing time.
It’s Friday and it definitely feels like one. TGIF.