Foot In Mouth

We left Wicket alone (not in his crate) for a couple hours this morning and I totally expected a frantic, grumpy phone call from BFF listing all the atrocious things that Wicket did in the apartment. Instead I got an e-mail that said one pair of my pants went from the bedroom to the couch and a shirt of mine was moved from the hamper 2 feet into the middle of the room. Yay Wicket. I just knew he'd be a good boy.
I'm starting to look at bridesmaids dresses. I initially (and still do I think) wanted to choose a color & line and let everyone choose their own dresses. Except I saw this dress and I thought it would be cute. I e-mailed everyone to get their opinion and THEN I realized the sizing was only up to 14 and if I were to order it I would probably need a 12. No good. Yeah, so BFF's sister e-mailed me and said that she does not fit into J.Crew dresses. I'm so embarrassed.
I've decided that I want some funky wedding day shoes a la Dorothy in Wizard of Oz. I e-mailed my work friend to tell her to keep her eyes open. Her reply?
"Yipee-skippee!!! I was HOPING that I would have something like this to look forward to.You've been so tasteful with the dress ideas, I just knew that you'd have to fall apart somewhere!"
See why I love the girl?

Don't Bother

I REALLY want to write a post with purpose today but I got nuthin'.
I ate peanut M&Ms for breakfast.
I filed my fed taxes on Saturday morning which ended up taking longer than I planned and made BFF and I barely make the bank in time. When BFF pushed me to hurry up I said, "What do you want me to do? I had two errors. I can't be perfect ALL the time!" He laughed.
We went to 4 different banks 9 different times on Saturday.
My best friend called twice this weekend and I didn't call her back. I will tonight even if I don't want to.
Big wedding things are looming over my head (caterer, photographer, DJ, hotel and I'm sure many more) and I can't get motivated to call. I hate calling people when I don't really know what I'm talking about.
Wicket needs a coat. Why are dog coats so expensive? Seriously, I think my winter coat was cheaper than some I'm seeing out there.
While watching a movie on Saturday night we had the entire family on the couch - me, BFF, Wicket and Sammers. It was perfect.

Today Is My Friday

So I was wondering if my happy-go-lucky post from a few days ago was really just tease because, well the days after that weren't so much better. Last night when I got home I was so frustrated by everything, the dog, the cat, my hungry tummy, my cold hands, my full bladder, the heavy grocery bags, that I thought I was going to lose it. When both the cat AND the dog followed my into the bathroom I thought this is it. But I took some deep breaths (actually I don't really know if I did but it sounds good), made myself a stiff drink (side note: have you tried Danzka grapefruit vodka? It is so delicious with some tonic water) which turned out to be what I needed. That is until BFF got home and realized the dog had pissed on the guest bed and into his backpack. Sigh. So yeah, we're still working out the kinks with Wicket.
Anyhoo, I decided on my way to work that I do feel better. Maybe I'm feeling less woe is me and more yay it's good to be me.
Like every bride before and every bride to come I am concerned about losing some weight and toning up (like my back) for the big day which is exactly why my eating has been atrocious (combo with PMS). I just got a chocolate chunk cookie from Dunkin Donuts. Quite tasty I might add although really not on par with my "plan". But the best part of my trip was my coffee is back! Ever since they went to flavor shots I haven't liked their coffee. I was always a french vanilla girl and the shots were not the same. Fresh brewed french vanilla and hazelnut are back!
So yeah, if I can get excited about that then it means I'm feeling better.

STD

I ordered stickers for our save the date postcards. I am planning on affixing them to the back of the postcard so guests can stick them on their calendars.

Observations

Weddings bring people together or they tear them apart. I realized that this weekend as I was once again complaining about my best friend, my maid of honor, my friend since kindergarten. Growing up I always felt like it was all about her. She could and would call me to complain about anything and everything and then have to get off the phone without asking how I was. I used to get so mad and sad but I put up with it because she is fun. When we're together we have a blast, we always have. Problem is, now we live more than 5 miles apart from each other. Surprisingly (or not) she has been the least supportive about my wedding and it really hurts me. She didn't want to talk about anything wedding related when I first got engaged, when I bubbling with excitement and nervousness and HOLY SHIT I'M GETTING MARRIED! My questions, my thoughts were put off to the side or unanswered. As a result, I asked my niece and my friend (both bridesmaids) to go dress shopping with me.
I constantly feel like I'm on the back burner with her and as a result I constantly feel let down. Now she's engaged and wants to talk wedding with me. I gave her the support that I know I needed at certain points (OMG, you're engaged!!!!! Yes, it's terribly overwhelming at first, etc.) but I'm not getting much (anything?) in return.
I know it makes BFF upset. He feels (and I agree) like I am doing all the giving in this relationship. My options are to either say, "screw you, I'm doing all the work in this relationship" or be the better friend. I will, of course be the better friend. I guess I have realized hat this relationship is no longer a priority in my life and so I will no longer treat it as such.
On the flip side my other bridesmaids have stepped up to the plate and have really helped me tremendously.
Although one relationship has been strained, 3 more have been stengthened.

New Windshield Wipers Make a World of a Difference

I've been a bit of a bad blogger. The truth is most of my (extra) time and thoughts these days is consumed by the wedding. BFF and I had a wedding free weekend which was a nice change.
We also started to feel more like ourselves. Last night on the couch, watching the football game (ugh, damn Patriots!) I felt genuinely happy. With BFF on one side and Wicket on the other, I felt relaxed and remembered how good it is to be me.
I was pretty grumpy this morning. BFF was in a pisser mood for something or another, Wicket and Sammy were being annoying and mischievous but now that I'm out of the apartment I'm feeling pretty good. It's Monday and it's snowing. A pretty good start to the week I must say.
Oh yeah, and this morning I decided to take Friday off. Week 5 of a 4 day (or less!) work week. A pretty good start indeed.

Here

Let's just say that it was an eventful weekend. We'll skip over the crying in a restaurant on date night part and go right to BFF and I are (finally) on the same page with the wedding and it's happening. We unofficially have a location, date and time for this blissful day. Yesterday I ordered the STD cards. Things are moving along. I am excited about getting married and having a wedding.
It's true, it really was the money thing that was weighing me down. BFF (finally) talked to his parents and asked them how much they are planning on contributing. The amount was far more than we expected, and now? We can have a wedding! I always knew that money is a stress for me but I think I just got a glimpse at how much of a stress it can be on me. Basically, it causes me to look at things pretty negatively. I hate feeling trapped and worrying about money does exactly that.
Onward and upward! I've got a wedding to plan!

In and Out

I'm looking forward to the long weekend. We have loose plans, the only thing I can say with certainty is a dinner date on Saturday (which of course I don't need to reiterate how much we NEED). The forecast of rain all weekend (wah) throws a few ideas out the window. Definitely we'll finish season 5 of 24 so we can properly watch the premiere on Sunday. Probably we'll discuss the wedding. Maybe we'll see my friend and her fiance. Hopefully it will be a relaxing one.
I'll need it to recover from the mini panic attacks I'm having after buying my dress.

Better

I just received this e-mail:

Happy Day! I love you... and I can't wait to:
1. See you tonight
2. Sleep
3. Have the weekend come
4. Go on a date with you
5. Watch the PATS

-B

Sometimes BFF just knows (without knowing). I'm lucky that way.

Of Course

My niece described it perfectly yesterday: It's such a joyous time for me and I should be so happy, but I'm not. Maybe it's not so unusual. For me.
My reactions to situations are usually NOT the norm. Getting married, planning a wedding is a big change. Quite honestly, it's starting to freak me out. I am committing to being with BFF for the rest of my life. The past few days (weeks?) I haven't felt a closeness to BFF. In fact I've been quite distant. I am picking him apart, looking at him and our relationship negatively. Why? That is what I know. When life changes occur or something throws off my balance I retreat. I become very protective of myself and lash out at those that come just a little too close to me and expose my vulnerability. It seems as if I'm looking for a reason not to get married to BFF because I am scared. Planning a wedding with no money is stressful. Standing in front of a lot of people and saying our vows is nerve wracking. Spending a lifetime with one person, encompassing many unknowns, is scary.
So what do I do now? I acknowledge that I'm scared and that it's OK. I need to talk to BFF and let him know what's going on.
I feel better already.

Wicket

The newest addition to our family:

He's just the cutest thing ever! So far he and the cat aren't too happy with each other but I think they will be fine once they get used to each other.
Needless to say the weekend flew by and I'm a little grumpy to be here on a rainy Monday. I'm already having Wicket withdrawal.

Driving to work this morning I decided that something needs to be done to get me out of this melancholy funk I'm in. I'm not sure what exactly, but something. Maybe it's as simple as deciding I want out?

On our way to pick up Wicket I took this picture:

WTF? I'm not one to wish for cold but seriously, it's winter. I would like it to actually feel like it.

Memo

Since it's Friday and I seem to be all over the place, this is all I've got. Maybe you have Friday mush brain too?

• I miss BFF. Last night he surprised me with coming home early. We actually got to eat dinner together. Sadly, it felt weird to have him there. I hate that he works nights and I know that it's not forever but I miss him. We've had so much going on lately with the holidays and him working so much, plus the added stress of the wedding. I feel like there's a little distance between us. I know it will pass but still, I hate it.


• I got a message last night from the whippet guy and he said tomorrow was fine to meet. He said he would call back to confirm. Woot!


• And last, a (crappy cell phone) shot of me and the dress I liked this weekend. I surprised myself by liking a strapless dress. I was dead set against it in the beginning. I'm still shopping around but I do like this one. A lot. What do you think?

Deflated Balloons

Almost every time something in my life comes up that I get excited about, I get a warning of don't get your hopes up, it might not work out you know. Do people honestly think I don't know that? I might have an overactive imagination but I keep it to myself because, well it's made up. The decisions I make are after much thought and sometimes I think too much which makes the decision process nearly impossible.
When I hear someone issue a warning I begin to question my excitement in the first place. I wonder why this person feels the need to squash my hopes. I start to doubt myself, telling myself I'm not good enough. Of course it couldn't happen to me, I don't deserve it. And then I get angry because I am letting another person make me feel bad about myself and I spiral downward until I'm left feeling horrible with myself for my lack of self esteem. Gah.
Surprising me this week is my mom who only had positive things to say to me about the wedding location, dress, and possible canine addition to our family. So it's not all bad, some of it is very good and exactly what I need right now.

A Sign?

Last night when I left work I really wanted to do was go home, swaddle myself with blankets on the couch and make sure a bottle of wine and chocolate were within arm's reach. However, I decided that a trip to the gym would surely be more productive with those endorphins and all. Except I couldn't find a parking spot and after two rounds realized, F**k! It's January 2nd! I almost turned around and went home but I remained optimistic instead- maybe there's something else going on, like a swim meet or something. But there wasn't and the workout room was hot and smelly and I couldn't find a damn machine to use. What? I always get my pick of whatever one I want. I did find one available that I never use (it sucks which is probably why it wasn't being used) and I don't think those endorphins didn't kick in. I'm pretty sure when I got to my apartment door I was more pissed. So naturally I went straight for the wine and chocolate.
It's no secret that I've wanted a dog for a while. With the upcoming wedding it's also quite obvious that it's not the best time to get a dog. Or at least that's what I thought. Just for the heck of it I filled out an application a few weeks ago for a whippet rescue program thinking I would just be on file. Last night I got an e-mail from someone who has a couple of rescue whippets looking for a home. I think this might be what I need to keep my mind off wedding craziness. If all goes well we'll go this weekend to meet them. I'm quite certain I'm going to leave there with a dog. Usually I'm pessimistic but I honestly believe it's a sign.

What I Thought

I thought I was going to post a message today about a wedding location that we looked at Sunday and absolutely loved.
I thought I was going to post a message today about dress shopping yesterday and how I found one that I really like.
Instead, I am posting a message about how this wedding thing isn't fun and I'm not sure I even want to do it anymore.
I'm sick of fighting with BFF about it. I'm tired of navigating between realistic and unrealistic. I'm worn out and cranky and sad.
I have doubts. They are small and hardly register a blip but they're there. And they scare me to death.
Maybe I'm not ready for this.