Super Duper

It is the week before my period which means I eat everything in sight and then have I am so fat and have nothing to wear mornings. The joys of being female. Though if it means being able to give birth then I will happily endure. My friends just went through the most heartbreaking thing. They began the adoption process (I haven't been told specifically but I'm sure they were unable to conceive) in April and recently got matched with a mother. They brought the baby home on Friday afternoon and Saturday night got the call that the birth mother was reconsidering. They had to bring the baby back Sunday morning. I can only imagine the pain they are going through. Ugh, so sad.
Happy Halloween! I have nothing planned, have done but dutifully eat candy. Kit Kats were the candy of choice this year (I think I probably bought 4 bags in the last month) but today at the store I got Clarks. Mostly because they were cheapest but also because when was the last time you had a Clark? They are tasty.
Everyone has been moaning about the time change but I don't really mind it. It doesn't bother me that it's dark when I go home from work because it's dark when I get out of the gym so what's the difference? I kind of like it being light out, I wake up easier. Or else it's just a phase. I have been waking up earlier than normal lately (5am on Saturday? Yeah, NOT normal).
Sometimes I think about what I was doing this time last year and I can honestly say that I am so much happier. I feel more confident, energized, and content. A lot of it has to do with the boy having a job and the new apartment but overall I think I just feel better in my skin. A very good place to be indeed.

Fah

OK, I am seriously pissed right now. I wrote this whole post and then my stupid upgraded browser just lost it. I don't have the patience to rewrite it and now I'm in a pisser of a mood.
The gist of it? I am shallow because all I can think about lately is rings. My new washer and dryer rock. I was super sensitive, emotional, and wishy washy all weekend.
The End.

Friday Mish Mash

I left early on Wednesday and went to the store to get some cold supplies. Somehow I walked out of there with $50 worth of random stuff (a sampling: canned pumpkin, carrots, tea, soda, pita chips, alka seltzer, Kit Kats). I tried to watch a movie once I got home but ended up falling asleep 15 minutes in. I dragged myself into the bedroom because I knew I would sleep better and was out until 7pm when the boy called. By the time the boy got home I had pretty much decided I wasn't going to work on Thursday. When he said he only had to go in around lunch time for an hour I was sure I wasn't going in. I woke up with a wicked hive on my hip and retard eye. Have I mentioned retard eye before? Well, basically my right eye swells and I look retarded. Harsh but true. Usually they don't last too long, but this one progressed over the course of the day. When I woke up this morning I looked worse. It's subsided some but it's still hanging on. Poor me. So I came into work this morning, feeling less congestion but more sinus pain figuring I couldn't miss 2 1/2 days. Um yeah, what a joke. I should not have bothered. I am definitely leaving early, there is NOTHING going on.
Last night we went to Petsmart and got a few fish for the small tank. Fish are "eh" to me but the boy really likes them so I indulge him, pretending I care about which ones we get. We got a blue beta that we named Sonic as well as a female and male guppy that we named something I can't remember and tiger.
Tomorrow is supposed to be rainy and stormy. Maybe we will actually motivate and finish getting the apartment in order. Sure do hope so.
I was on the computer yesterday at home and saw Tiffany in the address history. Could a certain someone be thinking about a certain something? Well, a girl can dream.

I tried

I'm sick. Ugh. I wanted to be optimistic yesterday but there was just no way around it. I've got a cold and it stinks.
The boy was super nice and took my car this morning to be serviced. This means that I am driving his truck. I have never driven it before, unless you count the one time last winter when I moved it so I could get out of the driveway. I must look hilarious. I had to pull the seat so far up to reach the pedals that I could probably steer with my boobs if I tried. I'm extra cautious, so today I am the annoying driver who has her blinker on for 5 minutes before making a move. I had to get gas this morning and I practically fell out of the truck because I forgot I would have to take a BIG step down. It's all worth it though so I don' t have to deal with taking my car in. The boy is the best.
I've begun to think about Christmas presents. I would like to get my shopping done early so I can actually enjoy the Christmas season. I have also been asked by my mom to furnish a list of what I would like as well as the boy. I've got the boy down but I am having trouble coming up with stuff for me.
The one (small) good thing about being sick today is that I can probably leave early. But I'd still rather not be sick. Hopefully it's just a short little bugger.

Behold the Whine

I think I'm getting sick. Last night I felt the sore throat grab hold and this morning it was rough. I have the sniffles and sneezes but I'm trying to fight it. I don't want to get sick.
Last night I had a bit of a cry. I was baking wings and the damn smoke detector kept going off. I had the fan on, both windows open and standing on a chair fanning the stupid thing. I detest loud noises, I immediately get agitated. The boy got home, slightly grumpy, probably tired, and I stretched out my arms for a hug and help down from the chair. "No, not today" he said, "I am exhausted and can barely move my arms." He walked out of the room and I couldn't control the tears. I felt them coming from deep within, like I was crying for something else. I don't know what that was about.
I spoke with my dad this morning and I guess he has blood in his urine which the doctor's are hoping will clear with antibiotics. I'm not really worried or upset because I'm sure he'll be fine. Part of me (a very small part), though, has a bad feeling.
Right now I'm tired, feeling sick, and hungry. My food choices are an apple, yogurt, or microwave popcorn. I don't want any of them.
I think that's enough whine for now. Too tired to spout out anymore.

Monday Mush

The work trip ended up being pretty fun as I got to be with some damn funny people that I don't get to see too often. It was tiring though and I was exhausted when I got home, around 7:30pm on Friday. The boy and I were going to go to my home town but I made the call to my mom and told her it would be too much. When the boy got home Friday night I was tired but happy to see him. Each time he's away for a few days he looks different when he walks in the door. I must say that I handled my solo time quite well. I missed him, but not in the crazy way I did last time.
Just before I was leaving for my trip on Thursday I got a call from my niece. She called to let me know that my dad was in the hospital and that he had been there a couple days. A couple days and I'm just getting a call now? WTF? I was a bit shaken up and pissed. Turns out he was OK, just had a UTI as well as complications from it. He's going to his doctor today to find out what's wrong. I knew that he was going to be fine, but it ended up affecting me for a few days. Any day now I could get that call; my dad is 77 years old and not in terrific health. For all I know he could be in the hospital, dying and I wouldn't have a clue. That is frustrating.
The rest of the weekend was good but went by so fast. The boy and I bought a washer and dryer on Saturday ~ woo hoo!!!! It is being delivered Saturday and I cannot wait. No more laundromats. I'm psyched! We also had dinner with his parents, grandparents, sister & her boyfriend. That ended up being nice even though I was dreading it slightly.
Back to the work grind. Over the weekend I thought, hey, my job isn't so bad. I have all the freedom in the world, get paid decent $ and for the most part like it. And oh yeah, I haven't a clue of what I would rather be doing. That is probably the biggest reason to stay put.
Random note, our neighbors upstairs left for their honeymoon on the 9th and they still aren't back. Did they go on a safari? Weird.

Lightbulb

I just realized something. Friday will be one year of blogging. Holy s**t!!!!! I can't believe it's been a year. I was so timid and nervous to write my first entry and now I appreciate it for giving me a chance to write down my feelings and to be able to go back and read them, to connect with other people, and mostly, to distract me from work. What would I do if I got a job where I couldn't blog? I certainly can't do it at home nor would I want to. But well, that's not the point. I'm out of town for the next couple days so Happy Blogging Anniversary to me a little early!

83% Average

Last night I accomplished my goals. See I can do it, I can.
With the boy being gone, I am stuck wondering one question: How did I ever do this when I was single? How did I spend every night by myself with just a book or the tv to entertain me? Yeah, a lot of things are easier this week now that the boy is gone. My dinner is simple, easy, more healthy, the dishes are fewer, I don't have to listen to the snooze for 20 minutes, the bed is only messy in the small area I slept in, there is actually soda in the fridge. None of that, however, comes even close to balancing out what I miss about the boy being gone. I miss when he scoops me up to give me a kiss when he gets home, the innate, funny, silly things he says to make me laugh, the high energy he exudes that I can't help but hop on for the ride. I have never been one to go out and do things and explore without reason. Yeah, I know I should, it would be good for me, but really it scares the s**t out of me and I would rather stay in the comfort of my home. With the boy I want to go out and do things, I want to have adventures and explore new things and places. Everything is more fun with the boy. A trip to the laundromat, while dreaded immensely, is not so bad when I have the boy with me. Sitting at home doing nothing? Boring when I'm alone but oh so fun with the boy. The thing I miss the most? Day to day life with the boy. It's just that much better when he's around.

67% Is Still Passing

I probably could have told you yesterday that I wasn't going to make it without b/p. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much I know I shouldn't do it, even taking precautions and steps to prevent it are futile. But you know what? It's done, it's over and I'm not going to stress about it today. Today I feel stronger, today I feel more in control.
I have to go away for work on Thursday and Friday and I'm slightly anxious about it. I don't want to be, I'm sure I'll be fine once I'm there but well it's just my nature I suppose.
I had a dream a couple weeks ago that the boy proposed to me on a crowded bus with the ugliest ring I have ever seen. Now that he's working I am starting to wonder when that will happen. Yes, I am becoming one of those girls. I never planned out my wedding as a kid and I have no intentions of having an elaborate celebration, but I still want it and think it's an important part of a relationship, taking it to the next step. I want to be settled with the boy, married and living in a house we own. I am looking forward to starting my own family. These things make me smile, make me happy, make me feel so lucky to have.

I Need a Road Block

Today I am foggy. Yesterday I found myself being extra sensitive. I was trying to pinpoint any behavior that may have been me lashing out at the boy because, well he's going away for days and since I don't know how to deal with those feelings I'll just be mad at him instead. I wavered, not sure if my feelings were a result of that or not but just to be sure I decided to have some drinks, get rid of any feelings all together. Foggy.
While I have said that I love the new apartment and everything feels better with the boy, I feel a little off myself. I'm hoping that I am still getting used to everything and getting into a routine but I must admit I'm a little nervous too. I haven't felt any desire for closeness with the boy, both sexual and non. Drinking has at many times been an escape for me, a way to dull my feelings and so I need to be sure to watch that carefully. I feel myself turning towards alcohol a bit more frequently of late. Ironic that I just finished therapy huh.
So the boy left this morning while I was still snuggled in bed which made for a less dramatic exit and a much more sane girlfriend. I think I will be OK. I've mentally got a list going of things I want to do this week and I have a few ground rules for myself. There will be nightly trips to the gym, zero alcohol consumption, and no binging or purging. Honestly though, I'm not sure I can pull the last one off. I don't feel as strong as I usually do and I don't have a road block just in case I do go down that road.
My second camping trip was a great time and I am now officially declaring myself a camper.
I spent $50 on a pair of jeans this weekend which is way more than I have ever spent and way more than I ever thought I would. But they fit very well (and bonus I didn't have to go UP a size which I was mentally preparing myself for) and I am so sick of the search. So I did it and I love them and everyone is happy.
As a result of foggy I am hungry (read: want to eat) and slightly agitated. I see my food choices are not going to be good ones today. Oh well, I think I'll just let myself be a glutton and rekindle my love affair with Kit Kats. Yum.

I Hope It's Not the Calm Before the Storm

The boy is going away next week. I seem to keep "forgetting" this which I fear is problematic. He is going to franticly pack late Sunday and early Monday and leave in a whirlwind stopping only to kiss me good bye and tell me he loves me. When the door closes I will stand somewhat startled, wondering, OK, now what do I do? Much like Clink, I have to prepare myself for alone time. I have long realized that when I don't I end up doing something destructive or nothing constructive, either way concluding that I am pathetic because I can't be away from my boyfriend for more than 2 days without falling apart. So I need to keep reminding myself that he is going away. I know that it will be good to be apart from each other, I just need to make a plan of things to do. I don't want to find myself in the same place as the last time he went away.

Cocktail Wieners are Vienna Sausage?

Yesterday was my last day of therapy. The last few sessions I haven't felt like I have much to talk about. Deep down I feel good about me and my life. I brought it up last night to my therapist and she was OK with it; we left it that if I need to come back I can. I left there feeling excited, relieved, accomplished, and a little sad. I can see how some people get seriously attached to their therapists. She was such an integral part of me feeling better, playing the parent role when needed.
I'm sure nobody wants to hear me whine about getting fat but I can't help it. It's almost enough to send me into a meltdown. Seriously, it's so bad that I can't even fit my jugalugs into my bras anymore. I know I shouldn't complain, many people would give anything to be my size but right now it's pissing me off because I don't feel good and I don't have anything to wear. The worst thing about it is that I can't seem to find the motivation to fix it. I've tried to give myself some slack, playing the moving card, but I haven't moved a box in over a week and I feel fatter than ever. Could I please please get some motivation. Something. Anything. Please?

A Boring Post About the Trip

We waited for the cable guy during the appointed time and when he didn't show we called. Turns out the time was between 8am-11am, not 11am-3pm. So after getting pissed that we could have left so much earlier, we finished up packing and hit the road. We stopped along the way to meet up with the boy's friend from college whom I hadn't met. We were supposed to have dinner but that turned into quite the trip and we didn't get back on the road again until close to 10pm. So we rolled into the campsite after 11pm and thankfully we were able to check in and set up. It was a very chilly night and we didn't sleep well because we didn't have the blankets set up correctly. The next morning we got up and had some breakfast & coffee (with my new travel coffee press - yay!). The weather all weekend was absolutely gorgeous, couldn't have been better. We went into town and went into a shop so I could try some shoes on. I loved them and even wore them out after buying them (last time I did that? Probably 20 years ago)! We went into a couple other stores and had a nice lunch. After lunch we grabbed some flyers and looked for things to do. We saw a winery not far and decided to head in that direction. On the way I noticed there was a place to go apple picking which I've been nagging the boy to do for a while. The boy did all the picking (we learned our lesson last year - I cannot pick apples. I just can't) while I tried to carry the bag and take pictures. I'm still figuring out what to do with our $10 bag of apples. I made apple crisp yesterday. I still have apple pie, pork chops w/apples, apple bread, apple pancakes, apple fritters, on my list of possibilities. Something tells me I'm going to get sick of these apples rather soon though. Too bad our freezer isn't bigger (seriously it's about 1/3 the size of a normal freezer).
So next we went to the winery - a family run business that I immediately liked. After a short tour we had a tasting which included yummy hors devours. They had a pumpkin wine that we tried and decided to buy along with two other bottles. Next it was off to the supermarket to get dinner and lunch for the next day. Back at the camp site we cooked up some dinner along with some tasty beverages and s'mores. After the sleepless night prior we were ready to hit the sack early. We rearranged the blankets so that we were nice and toasty.
We ended up sleeping later than anticipated Monday and by the time we packed up the camper and headed out it was close to 10:30am. We decided to hit McD for a quick breakfast but as we were deciding on what to get the menu was flipped to lunch. I could not think of lunch at 10:40am so we hoofed it over to DD (which I am declaring once and for all I do not like their coffee. I have been on the fence but I've finally made my decision). We made the drive out to our hiking destination. As usual I was ready in 2 minutes but the boy took a solid 20 minutes. Granted most of the stuff he was getting together was for me as well, but I do not do well with waiting. By the time we got going I was a little annoyed. Hiking is one of those things where once I start going I love it. The thought of spending hours upon hours walking doesn't sound like much fun however, and I think I mentally block myself from being open to the experience. My boots started hurting my feet, my poles were uncomfortable to use, and I'm sure I was anxious about what was ahead. This led to a short outburst by me where the boy said, "let's just turn around and go home then. We don't need to go if you are uncomfortable." I quickly replied (err realized I was being ridiculous) that I was not turning around, I didn't get that far to not go. All in all it was tough for me. My feet were killing me (I definitely need to get new boots) and I was frustrated. After I stopped fighting it all, it was fine. Yeah, I was in pain but nothing that I needed to be absolutely miserable for. Anyhoo at the end of the 6 miles (~5 hours) I felt a sense of accomplishment. When I got home and got ready for the bed my feet and ankles were red and swollen but I haven't been nearly as sore as I thought I would be.
I had such a great weekend, Sunday was such the perfect day. It was exactly what we needed. We had such a good time we're thinking of going camping again this weekend. Why the F**k not?

Fumbly Friday

Without warning there are three things that can make me whip out my grumpy pants and throw them on: hunger, lack of sleep, and cold (fingers). I can be happy as a clam one minute and two minutes later I am in tears because of one of these things.
Since we moved the boy has been getting up earlier than me. He has also begun his habit of hitting snooze. I don't mind hitting a snooze here and there but generally when the alarm goes off I get up. If I don't I end up groggy and grumpy. This morning I had to hit snooze 4 times (why oh why is the alarm next to ME?) and when I (we, see that's the thing, we snooze until it's time for me to get up) finally got up I was ready to plow over anyone in my way. I forgot my coffee at home and I dropped a cup of water at work. I am just not right. The boy and I are going to have to have a discussion about this. First I think we have to move the alarm, second I think there should be a limit to how many snoozes. At one point this morning I seriously considered sleeping in the other bedroom if we can't resolve this. Extreme, yes, but that's what happens when I don't sleep well. Reason goes out the door.
Tomorrow is the big camping trip and I'm surprisingly not nervous. Perhaps in part to dreaming all day about getting some beer tonight. Sam Adams Oktoberfest, I haven't had it yet this season. Yum. It's going to be a great weekend!

Hot Cookin'

This morning I had another fight with my clothes and my body. I do not have a wardrobe for Spring or Fall and it has lead to frantic clothes throwing mornings and declarations that I will start a diet today. I hate diets, I do not do diets. Lately my frivolous, indulgent, obsessive, carefree self has taken over and any thoughts of restraint, saving, waiting have gone by the wayside. On one hand, buying clothes to wear because I have none is not necessarily absurd. However, my need to have it NOW is somewhat problematic.
I asked the boy last night if he thought things feel different now that we're in a new place. He didn't really answer. Obviously being in a new physical location is part of it, but I just feel like things are different. I feel much more at home and at ease with everything. I do wonder, however, how I will feel in a month or two when things really settle down and we being to really live.
Today definitely feels like fall. I think I am ready to accept it and welcome it with open arms. It's time for a new season.

Unpack Your Adjectives

So I haven't really been in the blogging mood. Actually I haven't been much of myself lately at all. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I've just been busy and had other things on my mind. We managed to get through the weekend, get moved and somewhat settle in. We still have to put together a dresser, unpack some boxes, and hang pictures but I would say it feels like home. This is the first real week of being there and I like it. A lot.
I have been on the boy's case for a while about going away this weekend. With all the moving crap I feel like we haven't been able to do anything fun. So even though there is plenty to do at the apartment we are taking off for the weekend. We won't leave until Saturday, after the cable guy comes. It's been a year and a half since I've had cable. I almost don't feel like I need it, but I'm sure once we have it I will wonder what I did without it. Once that is all set we are going to hitch the pop up and go camping in the Berkshires. Last night we went to the library to use the computer and made our reservations. Immediately I got an anxious stab but this time it's going to be different. I am going to look forward to it because it is going to be fun. Worrying, fretting, getting anxious about it? Not fun and I don't want to get stressed about something that I am going to enjoy once I'm there. Seriously, what's the point?
Things with the boy have been good if not a little boring. I have moments of wondering if this is what the rest of our life is going to be, functioning with little affection and passion. I remind myself that things are a bit stressful and that we're just trying to get through. Once the dust settles I'm sure we'll be just fine if not great.