3 More Days

So really, this moving thing has me all over the place. One minute I'm stressing about how much we have to do and then next I'm not even thinking that there exists more stuff at another location. Thank God the boy has been willing to pick up stuff because every time I go into the old apartment I get anxious and end up eating half the bag of mini chocolate kisses. You know the ones for baking. Jeesh. I've also noticed that my fingers have no skin left around the nails because I am picking uncontrollably, unconsciously until I either bleed or get my hand slapped by the boy. And last night, after inhaling the kisses I decided to throw back two vodka drinks because really I couldn't handle life. And of course that helped lead to an argument with the boy about him not being excited enough to go away with me next weekend (where ever we go), and when I ask for validation can he please just give it to me, I know I should know, but it takes two seconds just GIVE IT TO ME. Ugh. I huffed and puffed and went to bed without saying anything and woke up early this morning feeling thirsty and uncomfortable. When I finally got back to sleep and the alarm went off I was grumpy and foggy. Thankfully the boy pulled me close and snuggled with me until it was time to get up.
Just get through the week, then I can go back to my normal routine. But for now, there is a bottle of wine waiting for me at home and I can't wait to get my nubby little hands on it.

Tit for Tat

Tit: Last night we watched tv, ate Chinese food, and slept in the new apartment.
Tat: We still have a lot of stuff in the old apartment to move.

Tit: My co-worker hasn't been in the office much today.
Tat: I am grumpy.

Tit: The water pressure in the new apartment is much better than the old.
Tat: The hot water ran out mid shower.

Tit: I don't have any good snacks to overindulge in.
Tat: I don't have any good snacks to overindulge in.

Tit: I just found a mini peanut butter cup in my drawer.
Tat: I only found one.

Tit: The boy and I are having a little trouble adjusting to his new work schedule.
Tat: We're muddling through and will get there eventually.

Weekend was a busy one. I am still anxious about all the moving to be done. We still have all week so I shouldn't get worked up about it but I am. We put the garage sale off until this coming weekend. But oh how exciting it is to be in our new place. I know I'm gonna just love it.

Ugga

Oh please please please let me go home. I cannot handle being at work. I am anxious about the zillion things I have to do this weekend and sitting here unmotivated and bored and it is making me insane. Ugga.
We are having a yard sale tomorrow. I hate yard sales. I don't like to go to them and I certainly do not look forward to having one. The boy thinks it's odd that I am dreading it. Ugh. I hope operation How can I convince the boy that I don't need to be there project works in my favor. We are also going to my niece's engagement party tomorrow. Family. Lots of people. No preasent yet or time to get one. Ugga.
We are officially between two places. The couch and kitchen table are at the new place, the tv and bed are at the old place. After tomorrow we won't have any chairs in the old place. How is that going to work exactly? Should we haul ass and move stuff in the rain on Sunday so at least most of our stuff is in the new place? Moving sucks. Ugga.
And of course anxiety means bp. Ugga.

Making It

I'm at it again. I just polished off an iced coffee in three "sips." Why can't I just take dainty little sips and make it last?
The boy woke up this morning with a very sore back. He ended up not going to work because he was in so much pain. I hope he gets better fast because we have serious moving plans coming up. Starting tonight and tomorrow we need to make a dent or else next weekend is going to be hell. With a capital H.
Last night was another boy comes home, we eat dinner, boy goes to bed and I follow because I don't want to stay up by myself. I guess this is the way it's going to be which means instead of whining about it I'm going to figure out what would make me happier. I might need to eat earlier (meaning without the boy) in order to feel like I have some time to relax. Who knows, I guess I'll just have to figure it out.
I am planning on leaving early tomorrow so I am antsy to leave now. It doesn't make sense I know, but that's how I am. I get something in my head and can't let go.
My dad is so cute. It's his 77th birthday today. Even though he is tough to get along with (gruff, grumpy) and isn't going to win any Dad of the lifetime awards, I have a big ol' soft spot for him. Happy Birthday Daddy!

Bring Your A Game

Last night was one of those "the world does not revolve around you" nights. We had planned to head over to our new apartment after the boy got out of work. On his way home, the boy called and said that he was tired and maybe we should go on Thursday instead. Immediately my thoughts were but I could have stayed at the gym longer, that means I didn't have to go to the store, I would have made a better dinner, I could be in my PJs right now. I had a little problem processing the change of plans. When the boy got home we ate dinner and I resumed folding the monster pile of clothes we left from the previous day. The boy watched me and that ticked me off (he was too tired to fold and just wanted to go to bed). To avoid getting angry I decided that I was only going to fold my clothes and if his stayed in a pile on the couch all week long I wasn't going to get upset about it. I went to bed feeling a little restless. Yeah, I got a lot done; I went to the gym, to the store, made dinner, folded clothes, but I just didn't feel satisfied. I was sad that we were going to bed and I didn't get to have any fun time. I know this is all part of life, we can't all be on our A games all the time but secretly I'm afraid that this is how it's going to be from now on. The boy will work so hard that when he gets home he can barely mutter three words before climbing into bed. And I know me. I know it's not long before I start to pull away because who wants to be in a relationship with someone who's not there?
I don't mean to sound all dramatic. Most likely this was just one bad night, not an indication that things are going downhill. For the last three weeks things have been great. Probably I'm just getting myself all worked up for nothing.

Ouch

I am one sore girl. This weekend I made a million trips up 2 flights of stairs and back down again, whacked my knee, got a blister on the palm of my hand, and had a mini breakdown. Moving sucks. It has become apparent why we are doing it so slowly ~ it would nearly kill me to move in one weekend. I'm beginning to wonder when all this is going to happen as next weekend is busy with other engagements and then it's the first already. The boy is dragging me back over there tonight after he gets out of work (8:30pm) so we can do MORE. Get prepared for some serious complaining the next couple weeks.
Starting today the boy's job is going to be full time until December. Not an ideal situation but double the pay is a major bonus. Hopefully something more permanent comes along.
I must remember that I have no right to get mad at the boy if his reaction is not what I expected or wanted.
This weekend the boy asked me if I was happy. More specifically was I happy with the things we've talked about over the last couple months. He told me that he thought I was a real trooper this weekend. He's just the best.

Raspberries N' Cream

Yesterday the boy and I became a family. Well sort of. We joined our cell phones to go on a family plan AND, we signed the papers for the apartment. Bonus: it's tenant at will so if our plans change it's not a big deal. I also had to change my cell phone number which wasn't a big deal as I don't use it very much. I have to say it's been kind of nice knowing that no one has my new number.
SO, this weekend we will begin the big move. The boy and I are both anxious to just move and be in the new place but we have decided to do it slowly.
Therapy session went really well as I have decided to try and be gentler with myself, especially regarding going places and trying new things. I discovered that I never went anywhere when I was a kid so it's no wonder it's feels uncomfortable to me.
Right now I'm eating a yogurt with a knife.
Happy Friday!

Baby Steps

Yesterday the boy had his weekly meeting with his supervisor. She said not to worry about not having lesson plans for right now and that everyone was happy that he was there. She also said that the nurse might be leaving and strictly off the books, would he be interested in moving up to full time and taking over some health classes if that happens? Everything is up in the air right now and nothing will be certain for a couple weeks but I am so happy for him. Even if he doesn't get the job it's so nice to know that he's working in a place that he likes and that they like him. They trust him and give him space to do what he does best. If this happened, his salary would double which would be a huge help to us financially. Fingers crossed but I have a really good feeling about this.
Dinners at 9pm have been a bit tricky but it's worth it for me to sit down with the boy and connect at the end of the day. His working all the time hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. I can't even begin to describe what a change the boy's attitude has been. He's much more affectionate, attentive and appreciative (herein known as the 3A~s). I'm beginning to realize that he was probably depressed this past winter - he was right when he said that since he lost his job he hasn't been the same. I'm excited for what lies ahead for us when we're both feeling good but I'm also grateful for this past year. I have confidence that the boy and I can make it through anything that comes our way. Lord knows there is plenty more to come, good and bad. Knowing that the boy is working and will be able to start pulling his weight financially makes me feel less stressed about things around the house. I could totally fall into the housewife/stay at home mom role one day.
Another therapy session tonight. On the ride into work I decided that I need to work on being OK with myself no matter what. I tend to think or wish I was a certain way and get mad at myself for not being that way. Recently the boy and I were talking about going backpacking and the idea sounds great but I just can't get excited about it. Is it because I'm scared and I've never done it before? Anytime we've gone hiking I've loved it but the thought of going now just doesn't seem fun. Maybe I'm still trying to get out of my shell. Leaving my home base is scary, especially if I don't know what to expect. Work in progress. Life is work in progress.

Slow Moving

Lately I feel like everything I write is boring. I go back and forth between feeling like I should write but knowing that I've got nothing interesting to say. I was going to post earlier but then stopped when I had nothing to write. But here I am, still writing because I figure at some point I'll want to read all this nothingness. Perhaps it will be when I'm going through yet another meltdown and will need reassurance that my life hasn't always been crap. I guess most of my nothing to say comes from nothing going on. I'm not a good writer, I have little creativity or imagination - I write here purely as a journal. My life lately has been good. The boy and I have slipped into a normal day to day life. We haven't been able to do the fun activities that we usually do but I think we have grown to appreciate each other so much more. Our time together has been spent focusing on us. Boring for a blog, yes, but the best thing that could happen to me.

~Fanfare~

The boy and I decided to move to the apartment. I feel so much better knowing that we have a plan. I think the boy is happy with the decision as well. I'm so excited to move to a new place, but have I mentioned how much I hate moving? Third floor? No need to kick me while I'm down.
For the past couple weeks the boy and I have had lunch dates and I've decided that it's really fun. I might want to make it a weekly thing as it gives us a chance to have such good conversation in a stress free environment.
We went to a jewelry store on Saturday to get watch batteries and had to wait about 10 minutes. We started looking around and I pointed out a ring to the boy and he said (joking), "You should get it." I replied, "No, you should get it." "Oh...it's that kind of ring..." Later I showed him my dream ring from Tiffany. Not that I expect to get it but just to give him an idea. I'm secretly afraid of getting an engagement ring I hate.
We went to a friend's house to watch the game yesterday but I don't think anyone was really into it. It still feels too early to me. It is fun to get together with people and I am excited that this is something that will happen all season.
Allergies? Getting sick? I don't know but my throat is scratchy and my nose runny. Blech.

Second Thoughts

I'm not going to be cynical. I am not going to believe that the "My life is so great and it's better than yours" post from yesterday is what did it.
Last night the boy and I went to check out the apartment again and meet the landlord. My concern was the stove, but looking at it again, I decided that I don't mind it as much as I thought. The living room is an odd shape so we would probably have to get a new entertainment center. Of course there are some things that bother us but I left there still feeling good about the place. The boy? Not so much. Today I realize that I said some things that perhaps I didn't mean. I am not willing to move closer to the boy's job (further from mine) and I'm not willing to just drop it and look for a new place. I have decided that it's where I want to move - I can't handle the stress of looking for another place to move into by the end of the month. I had another bp episode this morning (this morning!) and that is never a good way to start your day. I know the boy is worried about money but I just don't see us finding anything else in that price range and liking it as much. I did make an appointment to see something on Sunday that is in the same town we are in now but I almost don't want to bother going.
Plans for the weekend are pretty loose. I really feel like I need to get outdoors and do something tomorrow. We've had some lazy weekends of late and Sunday will be spent watching football, eating food and drinking beers. I need to do something active but I don't feel a surge of energy to get out there so who knows. I just hope it's a good weekend - I can do without any anxiety and stress.

Hamburger Helper

This past weekend I decided to reclaim my sanity. Seems that on Friday and Saturday I was fine being by myself. I missed the boy, yes, but I wasn't anxious or stressed. The days prior were hard, riddled with anxiety and bp. Armed with confidence from my therapy session (have I mentioned how GOOD it has been for me?) I began to ponder what I can do to make it better. I decided that a change in schedule was in order. This week I started going to the gym after work instead of before. Yes, I still feel a twinge of anxiety when I leave work, but all that is sweat out and by the time I leave the gym I have a new surge of self confidence. Going home to make dinner and blast the music is fun, not stressful. I enjoy waiting for the boy to get home so that we can catch up over dinner. I leave the dishes in the sink so that we can snuggle on the couch and watch tv or a movie. Things are good. Things are great. The boy and I are fantastic.

What a difference a Year Makes

Last year Labor Day was a big weekend. The boy and I went to my home town where he met my friends and my mom for the first time - at this point we had been dating for 1 1/2 months. We decided to get some food and wine and watch the sunset Saturday evening. We picked up some wine and figured we'd get some food once we got to the beach. Apparently everyone had the same idea and we couldn't find a place to park. I made the call to go elsewhere where the sunset may not be as beautiful but hopefully it would be quieter. We had the beach to ourselves, minus a few fisherman and it was one of the most romantic evenings I have ever had. Feeling the effects of the serene ambiance coupled with the wine no doubt, the boy got quiet and contemplative. What followed was something that I still rib him about. It took 30 minutes of stuttering, mumbling, and nervous twitches for the boy to ask me to be his girlfriend. I joke with him about how long it's going to take him to ask me to marry him! We left there, met up with some friends, had dinner and played Scattergories. The next day we drove to his parent's house for a cook out. It was nervewracking (to say the least) but I managed to make it through.
This Labor Day weekend was a bit different. The boy had to work Friday night and all day Saturday and time together was spent relaxing. We had a little heart to heart and I told him about my bp tendencies and he told me that he's doing this for us and that more than anything he wants to get me a ring. We hung out with some of his friends yesterday and I even stayed while the boy went to work. And oh the beers I drank...

Out of My Head

I had an awful dream this morning after the boy left for work. I dreamt that we were in bed and he whispered something to me which I didn't understand so I asked him to repeat it. He said something along the lines of being very horny so we started making out. Then I looked over next to the boy and said, "Shit. I forgot she was here." Next thing I know the girl gets up and starts stripping the boy and getting all sorts of stuff out for sex. At first I said, "So how's this going to work?" but then I started to freak out. I told the boy that I wasn't comfortable with this and I could see in his face that he was concerned. But he couldn't help himself and started making out with the girl and I was left standing there.
I hate waking up from dreams that you know didn't happen but still feeling as if they did. I know that it could never happen but still the feelings of insecurity and uncertainty are vying to take over. This past week with the boy being gone a lot have been bittersweet. I am still too anxious when I get home from work, but I think we both are handling it well. I have to be supportive of him because I know that he is doing all of this for me. I am so excited to move and can't help but wish the days away until it happens. I am really looking forward to the future with the boy.
The boy was so damn cute this morning that I could have melted. I was still in bed and he came into to the bedroom to get clothes. It was still dark out so he put his headlamp on to find what he needed. F*cking adorable.