Shacking Up

There have been many a things written about moving in with a significant other; whole books on the subject, or so I hear. I'm not sure what the advice or "rules" are, but I would guess the basics would be: find a new place together and be sure to discuss how bills and chores will be divided. The boy has been officially living with me for a little over a month and really it doesn't feel any different. Granted he was spending most (all) of his time there before the move in date, but still, it's been quite seamless. We had a quick discussion about bills and chores and it hasn't come up again. Of course there are times when I wish he would help out more or I just want to be alone, but overall it feels right. So right that I don't even realize that there was ever a possibility that it couldn't be.

Must Read

I "discovered" Breakup Babe last fall and soon enough my days at work were spent reading her archives. I am fascinated by this whole blog becomes book phenomenon and am anxious to read her published novel. Check it out!

Pickle

Sometimes I will say something to the boy that requires a lot of effort to spit out. Usually it's something that doesn't warrant a response, but leaves me emotionally vulnerable nonetheless. Most of the time the boy doesn't know what to say so he pretends I didn't say it. I interpret this as him either not caring, or not wanting to deal with my craziness. I get upset. He gets upset. So now, we have a code word that the boy says to let me know that he cares about what I said but isn't sure of how to respond. So simple yet it means so much.
I have decided to take tomorrow off from work to enjoy a long long weekend with the boy. I can't wait to get outside and enjoy the weather. I am in pretty good spirits and I hope that it can last through the weekend. It has the potential to be great. Cheers!

Bottom

Turns out I didn't have to wait long for the breaking point. A mere eight hours; another tearful night. Time for me to suck it up. Sometimes it feels good, I'm relieved to let go and work towards getting better. Sometimes I feel anxiety, weighed down by the process and doubts of getting better.

Balls

I did it again. I played the 'I'm suddenly sad to be in a relationship with the best boy ever so I'm going to cry' game. Push him away, need him, trust not.
Friday and Saturday we were THAT couple. The disgusting, oh so cute, make me vomit couple that you love to hate. I felt like I was on cloud nine and was never going to come down. Sunday was fun too but I felt the interrupter creep in. You know the emotion(s) that get in the way of me seeing things clearly. I tried to push it aside, but by bed time I succumbed. Ugh. I went to bed (again) convinced that I am not able to do relationships, thinking I should save myself and the boy much heartbreak by ending things now. This morning, in an effort to move past it, I said something to the boy about our glorious night but ended up in tears again. I left the apartment barely mumbling bye and definitely sans kiss. Half way to work and I just couldn't do it. He answered the phone, obviously upset.
I know that we will be OK. The boy has some inhuman tolerance for girlfriend that cries all the time. I, on the other hand, have no tolerance for self that cries all the time. I'm certain that it's due to feeling insecure with myself and the obvious answer is to start therapy, again. But I just don't want to. Therapy is such a painful process for me, so much so that as I'm writing this I'm more certain that I need to go. However, given my past history, there will be a breaking point for me. At this point, and only then, will I schedule an appointment. Until then, I have all the excuses and reasons I need to convince myself that I am happy. Just a little mental here and there to keep things interesting.

Fog

Whoa. Today is a haze that I am barely making through. I am working off roughly 5 hours of sleep and a hangover (?) from 3 drinks in 5 hours. Are you kidding me? I would like to believe that it's the lack of sleep that is making this day barely tolerable, but I'm not sure. I didn't feel drunk, but I guess my body just isn't used to it. Come on.
It was worth it. It was nice to get out of the apartment and meet up with some people we have become friendly with. I had a lot of laughs and I think I really needed that. I always need to be reminded that being with other people is fun.
Right now I am so full of happiness and love for the boy that I can barely contain it. Just thinking about him and us is slightly overwhelming. I think I'm going to take a moment and step into this bubble.

Double Stack

Last night in bed I wondered if I was better off single. I was doing pretty good without the boy home. Yeah, I missed him but I went about my life as I normally do. After some self reflection, I decided that I should love myself more than I do. That instead of breaking myself down because I'm not perfect, I should be building myself up for being the best that I can be. I was living life for me because that's all that mattered. When I got home yesterday and saw the boy I immediately teared up. It was as if all the emotions that I've felt over the past week were finally released. In some way the situation was surreal, I almost didn't feel like this was my boyfriend. He started chatting about some of his experiences and before I knew it I was upset. Feeling miserable. WTF? My boyfriend, who I love tremendously, was home after being away for a week and I'm crying. All of a sudden feeling like I am an awful, unlovable person. Why? I'm still not really sure of what was going on. I guess I felt like I needed to reconnect with him but he wanted to go out and do things. Feeling like he had a renewed spirit and here I am, the same old boring person. Even though I know it's not true, feeling like he didn't really miss me, that he doesn't think about me and us long term. Sometimes it's really hard to be in a relationship. My own insecurities are brought up ten fold.
This morning I didn't sleep so great. At first I woke up anxious and dreading the day. Next I woke up feeling OK about things. What gives? On the treadmill I had a pep talk with myself, "This is your life. Do you really want to live it miserable all the time? The boy loves you. You love the boy. Why are you making things so complicated? Just let go and be. I promise you will be fine. Have faith." And so I did. When I got home I was able to connect with the boy in exactly the way I needed because I was letting it happen. The boy never changes, it's my reactions that do. I told him I was done with the pity party. We joked about it some and had some laughs. Life is good. And no, I'm not better off single. Don't be ridiculous.

Hot Diggity Dog

The boy comes home today, the boy comes home today! I'm excited but I'm also nervous. As is the norm for me, out of sight out of mind. That's not to say that I didn't think (obsess) about him and us while he was gone, but more that my coping mechanism jumped in. Once I get over the initial shock of abandonment I go about my life as usual. For a while. But eventually (and I mean months kind of eventually) it will knock me upside down and I will be devastated. For a moment I was thinking that maybe this meant I didn't really love the boy as much as I claim to. But then I reminded myself of this pattern. I'm certain that when he gets back it will hit me how much I missed him.
When the boy and I first started dating, he would be away for a week at a time. I remember not being able to contain my excitement for his return. The day he came back would drag until I saw him. I don't feel the same way right now, probably because the newness of the relationship has worn off. But I do have butterflies just thinking about seeing him.
I think this break has been really good for us. I can't wait for us to be together again.

It Wasn't the Dead Mouse That Made Me Cry

When I got home yesterday I checked my e-mail. Surprise, there was one from the boy. It made me cry.
This weekend I did a lot of thinking and some reading on being sensitive in love (my newest self-diagnosis). I decided a lot of things, but mostly that if I am going to be in a relationship and be with the boy then I need to be more open. It's not that I hold anything back necessarily, but I do not share a lot of what is going on in my head. Because I'm scared to. For fear of abandonment. I also really need to work on feeling good with myself and being more secure. Yes, the world can be scary and uncertain. But this uncertainty can also be exhilarating and fun if I let it. I was fine before I met the boy and if god forbid something break us up, I will be fine after. I have to believe that.
His e-mail basically said that he has realized how much he loves me and what a great person I am. That he needs to tell me and show me more how much I mean to him. That he looks forward to the future with me more than ever.
See why I cried? How could I not?
Oh yeah, and the cat killed a mouse and wrapped it up nicely in the kitchen rug. It's about time she earned her keep.

It Said

I Love You!
(Miss you already)
-B

It was in my pillow case. Apparently I slept on it Tuesday night and flipped it over on Wednesday night. I'm not surprised. As a friend so very nicely put it: I'm a little inattentive at times (though he says I am not an air head).
I'm going home this weekend. I haven't been since February. I am looking forward to seeing my mom and probably my dad. And just being low key. I really hope this resets my system because lately I just haven't been feeling right.
I got sad when I said good-bye to Sammers this morning. Like, I was about to cry kind of sad. Not that it takes much with me but, well, I never thought I could feel this way about a cat. I've always been more of a dog person. I guess I'm feeling pretty vulnerable lately. Yes, that describes it perfectly.

Ambient

He just called. I feel better now that we've connected. I told him that I was feeling insecure even though I shouldn't be. And of course he reassured me but we all know that it doesn't matter what he says, it's something that I will have to come to terms with.
He asked me if I found the note. I'll have to go on a hunt when I get home as I haven't found it. He left me a note!

2/8

Separation anxiety? Not just for dogs and kids anymore. It has now been 54 hours (I thought I would spare you the minutes and seconds) since they boy left. It has also been that long since I've spoken with him. At first I was upset anticipating his absence. I shed a few tears when he left. Next came extreme anxiety of not knowing what to do with myself. Then the cascading thoughts of his supposed affairs. Now I'm just worried. I just want to know that he's OK and that he misses me and loves me. Deep down I know all those things but I just want to hear his voice. I'm so angry sometimes that I haven't heard from him that I envision myself not answering when he does call or text me. But let's be serious. That's juvenile as well as stupid.
Sigh. I miss him.

Slap Me

Seriously. Once again I am searching, trying to convince myself that the boy doesn't really love me and has another life on the side. I am so sick of this. I have been back and forth in my head for a day now, one minute I'm worthless and the next I'm being ridiculous. Of course I'm being ridiculous. Why must I imagine such things to torture myself? Why not just be happy with the idea of being happy? The boy is everything I want. I have never felt this way about anyone and couldn't be more happy with him. Yet at times I am certain he's having an affair or that I'm just another girl. Which couldn't be farther from the truth. So why am I cooking up such a yummy pot of crazy? It's the recipe for insecurity. And yes, I am painfully familiar with it.
Right now I'm trying to shake myself down. I think I can do it. I refuse to go the rest of the week like this.
In case you think this has anything to do with my situation, the boy is away. He left yesterday for work and won't be back for another 6 days. But me? Well I think it's completely unrelated. I'm crazy like that.

Everything Is Gonna Be Alright

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted. Mostly it's because work has been super busy and stressful. But I also think I just haven't felt like blogging. I want to be interesting and not always talk about my relationship but it's hard for me to come up with things to say. I forget that the reason I started this blog was for me. Not anyone else. So today I say, "screw it!" I'm writing what I want to write and that's that. I know, I know, look at the tough girl put her foot down!
Things have been stressful. Mostly it's work related but I am not good at separating my problems. They seep into other parts of my life and my whole wellbeing becomes unbalanced. This weekend was hard for me because I didn't want to do anything. I had no energy and yet I was getting mad and frustrated because we weren't doing anything. And what better to do than to take it out on the boy? Aye.
I know that this is just a passing phase but it's so hard for me when nothing is right. When anxiety riddles everything I think about and I can't stop my mind from swirling out of control ~ I suck, the boy sucks, work sucks. It's so hard to stay sane. Worse because I know I'm being irrational and I can't do anything about it. But maybe things are getting better as tonight I am able to recognize that this will pass. And I am optimistic that it will be soon(ish).

This and That

As usual this weekend went by too fast. It was a good weekend but not because of anything special. The boy left me alone on Saturday and I got some errands and chores done. I even managed to fall back asleep until 8:17 am which hasn't happened much of late. Yesterday I went with him to his work and we did some searching for goose nests. We went out in a canoe (which was only a one person) and looked around the ponds. We found one on a little island in the middle. It looked quite comfy actually, some hay and lots of down feathers. All the eggs were broken though.
Last night we went to Boston to have dinner with my best friend. She (once again) suggested that I move to Boston. I (once again) told her that I don't like the city. Something that I guess she can't quite understand. Which is surprising since we grew up in a very rural place. I suppose the biggest problem I have is the noise and amount of people. The boy and I are both in agreement that we really don't like the city. I think it's funny that my friend can't understand why. I like it fine, I just wouldn't want to live there. I mean really, what's the big deal? It's not any different than not sharing her fondness for cottage cheese. To each their own I say.
I have realized in the past that my dad is not going to be around forever ~ he is 76 years old. I've always hoped that my dad would walk me down the aisle and be able to see his grandchildren. Now that I'm certain I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, it feels more real. The boy and I have let our relationship develop at a comfortable speed for us both and I don't want to rush anything. But I really do hope that my dad will be around to be a part of it all.