Big Spender

When it comes to $ I am normally pretty conservative. I look for bargains, I don't spend frivolously and I try to get myself out of the debt hole. However, a couple times a year I go on benders. I throw caution to the wind and spend spend spend. Last year it was a new car. This year it's home goods. The boy and I spent the weekend buying furniture and fun stuff for the apartment. The apartment needs a thorough cleaning but it is really starting to look nice. For what it is of course. The other day I was gung ho on spending more $ on clothes since I don't have any. I am not a clothes shopper. The whole process drives me crazy and I usually leave with nothing because it's not worth it to me. Or I don't want to spend the $. But in my mode I decided I should get a few things so the boy doesn't have to hear me cry, "I don't have any clothes" every morning. But I couldn't find anything I like. Sigh. I guess I'll give it another try after work.
Speaking of, work is starting to get crazy and for the first time I'm wondering if we can do this. We will have to so I guess it's not an option. Summer is my favorite time of year so it's hard to consider that I might be working through it. I want to jump up and down, stomp my feet and whine, "But I don't wanna!" Except I'm too old for that. However, if they ask for my weekends I can't promise anything.

You're It

Miss VB tagged me last week for the 6 weird things meme. None of these are really all that "weird" but more interesting tid bits. A little late but here goes it...

• My parents are 17 years apart in age. My dad had been married with 4 children when he and my mom got married (around ages 41 and 24). As a result, my half-siblings are much older. I have a niece that is older than me by about 4 (?) years.
• I am an only child. Most of my life was spent by myself and as a result of this, I will do everything in my power not to have just one child. Every family is different but I think sibling relations are an important part of life. No matter what age.
• I am not a girly girl at all. I am not a tom boy either so I guess I am in between. I suppose I would describe my style as very casual. I prefer not to be dressed up and I don't spend much (any) time on make up, hair, or clothes. However, I love pink and anything that sparkles, shimmers, or has glitter.
• I am a creature of habit. Probably because I have a terrible time making decisions. I get stressed and anxious about making simple decisions. I often find myself in a routine, not necessarily because I love it but just because I've done it before and it works. Not as much fun though.
• My best friend and I met in kindergarten. I was obsessed with her and followed her everywhere. We've been friends ever since. Certainly we've had our ups and downs but we've never stopped talking for more than a couple weeks at a time. I'm sure we'll be friends to the end.
• I cannot watch a movie after 7 pm. It doesn't matter what type it is or what the environment is, I will almost always fall asleep. I can usually make it an hour in before I start to nod off. Maybe I need to create my own intermission!

Well folks I guess that's it for me. I'll tag SS since she's one of my few readers!

Still Kickin'

Now that I'm back on planet normal everything is OK. Let's just say that I am an extremely sensitive girl who is mental. But in a good way of course =P
Stay tuned for my six weird things...

Paddleball

Seems as though I'm hitting a blogging hurdle. You see, nobody knows that I have a blog. Nobody. It was great at first because it was completely anonymous and I was able to express my feelings and emotions. It was providing the release that I needed. And then I started to delurk in the blogger world and a couple people came to check out my blog. I am glad to feel a connection with fellow bloggers but lately I sense a twinge of guilt. I feel like I am keeping a part of my life from the boy. I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to blurt something out about my blog. I've come close already and if (and when) it happens I'm afraid of what it will lead to . On one hand, everyone deserves privacy and a space to express themselves. On the other hand, this isn't private. I have detailed things about my life and the boy that people read. It's more real that just a diary. And besides, I wouldn't want the boy to keep something like this a secret, no matter how innocent it is. I have thought about telling him. But it's not fair to say, "Hey I have this blog. But I don't want you to read it" How could he not want to read it? He's human after all.
I know that I'm not going to make any decisions right now but I have a feeling that at some point in the future it will be something I need to address. Especially since last week he said, "Well aren't you just the sassafras tonight."

Hump Day

So I'm wondering if this week could go any slower. Seriously. I am aghast and dumbfounded that it's only Wednesday. Can someone please explain this to me?
I must be feeling anxious again. I wonder why it is so difficult for me to just be. I suppose it's all about releasing the anxiety. But damn is it hard sometimes. I'm sure this 4th cup of coffee today isn't helping.

Yup, it's Monday

What is it about new bedding that just makes everything better? I ordered a new comforter and cover and it was delivered this morning. I cannot wait to get home and check it out. It's nothing fancy, not even close. But I'm excited nevertheless. I suppose it's all part of the "it's spring and change is in the air" feeling.
The boy and I had a bit of an honest conversation earlier and decided that most likely we won't be moving anywhere soon. Disappointing but probably the smart thing to do. I guess if we work on rearranging the apartment a bit it will feel more like our home. I've been a bit neglectful because I figured we wouldn't be there much longer. The commute to work is going to kill me, I can tell. As it is I'm getting up at 6am, going to the gym, taking a shower and barely making it to work for 9am. I'm going to have to get up much earlier once work starts getting busy. Grrr.
Speaking of work, this should be an interesting week. I think I'll get a good taste of what is to come. I hope I can hold on...

Friday Night Fun

When I was little I would build forts and keep them up forever. One time when we got a new refrigerator, I made a fort out of the box in the living room. I had a friend over and she slept in a bed in my room while I slept in the fort. Hardly deluxe accommodations but I stayed out there the entire night. One of my favorite things to do was to hang blankets from my bunk bed so that my bottom bunk was completely dark. I would bring all the necessities into my fort and camp out.
I suggested to the boy that we do something fun tonight. He asked if I had anything in mind. As a matter of fact I do.
A fort and a newly purchased game. Perhaps some snacks and refreshments. It will be our own little cocoon.

Suckage

I am awful at relationships. I just am.
After being super sensitive and emotional last night and making the boy feel like the worst boyfriend ever (sigh) I have come to the conclusion that when I have my little "fits" it's because I am feeling horrible about myself. I feel like I suck as a person (yes I know it's not true but I just can't feel it) and I read into EVERYTHING the boy does and/or does not do, all so I can conclude that yes, I am an awful person.
See, I told you I am awful at relationships.

Transferring Blame

I woke up grumpy this morning and of course took it out on the boy. I am horrible at separating my feelings. I am guessing that I was annoyed about having to get up and go to work. The new guy started and I'm not too sure that it is going to work out. For the record: I am not your secretary or your boss and I am not going to hold your hand through this process. Of course now I'm partly feeling guilty about my behavior but also partly convincing myself that being in a relationship is too hard.
At the gym this morning I was reading a woman's magazine and there was an article about a couple who fought over cleaning. The woman was very particular and liked things cleaned every day and got annoyed when her husband didn't quickly jump in to help. One of the "experts" suggested that when they got home that they sit down and talk so that the woman would relax and feel less anxious about cleaning. It got me thinking. When I am feeling uneasy or upset, I tend to make a big deal of the things that I don't necessarily think are that important. Especially with the boy. It's almost like I try to convince myself that we shouldn't be together or that I'm being wronged by him. My guess is that it's some sort of unconscious defense mechanism but also a way to express (without really expressing) deeper things that are bothering me. I know this is all part of the process in life and relationships, but I love when I have an "Ah ha!" moment. When I realize what something I've heard over and over really means.

Antisocial

In general people make me nervous. I wouldn't consider myself antisocial, mostly I'm just shy. Often times this is looked upon as me being rude or disinterested . It's not my intention, it's just that I don't feel comfortable around people I don't know. It tends to be more evident when I feel I need to "impress" or when I'm in a small group. No matter how hard I try to think of something to say, I can't. I clam up. It's awful. I can, however, talk to a person if there is no way I'll ever have a relationship with them or see them again. I can chat it up with the manager of a restaurant but I can't seem to find a word to say to my boyfriend's sister. The more I think about it, the worse it is. I know I'm probably being too hard on myself, but sometimes I wonder why people like me? I'm awkward and nervous and say the wrong things. I know I'm likeable. I tend to wear negative glasses even though they look horrible on me. However, the qualities I think I'm likeable for may not be what others see. I find that fascinating, yet terrifying at the same time.

Blur

Someone asked me how my weekend was and I had to stop and think. I knew it was good, but I couldn't remember what I did. Sometimes when there is a lot to remember I think my brain takes a time out.
The boy has been super affectionate and loving lately. On one hand I love it and can't get enough. On the other hand I wonder why. What happened to make him act like this? Is he feeling guilty? If so, why? It's completely ridiculous and I wish I could slap myself out of it. Why is it so hard to believe that maybe he just loves me that much?