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I think I have decided that it must be PMS that I was dealing with last week. Because this week it's all rainbows and butterflies. It's amazing to me that hormones can cause such a change in mood. It really is. Can you imagine how I'm going to be when I'm pregnant? Holy crappers. Well I guess now I'm just going to have to come up with a way to not get all worked up over things during this "sensitive" time. Yeah, that seems like a nice project for next month.
Today I am going to look at my new work location. And I'm a little nervous. I'm also nervous about where the boy and I are going to end up. I don't think we will have enough $ to put down first, last and security on a new place unless the boy gets working. Does that mean we are stuck where we are? I guess I can talk to the landlord about renting by the month for a little bit until we have an idea of where we want to settle. I do feel like something big is going to happen soon though. I hope it's good.

Teeka

Thank goodness that I am feeling better. I don't think I could have taken another one of those days. So Saturday I told the boy that I was going on to Petfinder "just to look". Which anyone who has been to that site knows it's near impossible. Needless to say I saw a puppy that looks just like my old dog. A lab/whippet combo, what are the chances? Immediately I melted. The boy and I have talked about getting a dog, but it's sort of been established that we will wait until we are settled. But he really liked her and I liked her and even though we (read: I) rattled off all the reasons that we shouldn't get a puppy right now, the next day we were checking her out. She is absolutely adorable. There were a lot of people there and I think there are a bunch interested in her. So we filled out our application and now we just wait. As much as I hope that we get her, I also am OK if we don't. I mean really, we shouldn't be spending the money ($300+), we will lose some freedom, we are moving soon, she is a puppy, we have a cat, but damn. She's so cute.

Poor Me Syndrome

Could my problem just be as simple as PMS? Could it? Because I can't seem to NOT feel sad and cry over nothing. I've never considered myself to have period "problems." But we also know that my body has done some changing in the last year. So maybe I have been afflicted. I know something isn't right. And looking back last month around this time I seemed to be in the same sort of funk. Now, how do I stop it? Or at the very least manage it. Other than crawling in a hole for a week?

Diddly Dum

I have been feeling rather "eh" the past couple days. Probably a combo of not feeling well and getting a little overwhelmed with so many changes in the next couple months. And wondering what is going on with the boy. I just don't know if my expectations are high or what. I feel like when I get home from work, I make dinner do the dishes and then sit down to watch TV. All the while the boy is doing whatever on the computer (usually G stuff) and I feel like he had the entire day to do whatever he wanted, why doesn't he want to spent an hour with me? I know I should tell him that's what I want. But I feel myself slipping into "I just want to be miserable and feel sorry for myself" mode. When I am stressed or sad I shut myself off from the people closest to me. It's weird because I see myself doing it, I know I shouldn't do it, but I don't want to stop doing it.
I know all of this will pass. And I'm OK with having a couple down days. I just need to remind myself that this is not the be all. It's just a feeling that will pass. God speed.

Awww

Sneezy

I think I'm getting sick. Woke up with a sore throat on Saturday and I still have it. Today my nose is runny and I'm sneezing. A few people at work are sick. Ugh, I don't want to be sick. I never used to get sick and all of a sudden this year I have had more illnesses and problems than ever before. Is it the age? Is my body changing? What amazes me is that this is just the beginning of my body changing. And this is nothing.
Things otherwise are pretty much status quo. Today I am a bit anxious about all the changes that are about to happen. I'm trying not to think about it and focus on the day.
On Sunday the boy and I did a G at a chasm. It was a little scary at times climbing down icy rocks. I had to squeeze through a split rock. At first I was scared but then I just went it and told myself I would be fine. A little later we decided to climb up to a trail. I went a different way than the boy because I felt more comfortable. But then I got to a point where I didn't know what to do. And I was thinking so much about it I started to freak myself out. The boy kept saying that I would be fine and that he wouldn't let anything happen to me. Ever. But it was still hard for me to trust myself. Trust that I could let him help me. Finally I gave him my hand and up I went. Of course it was simple. But the boy was good and patient with me. And even after we were having a bit of miscommunication and were walking, he stopped and "made" me a picture. I'll have to post it later. I don't think he even knows how much it meant to me. It's always the little things that get me.

Shudder

I hate this shit.

It Can't Be

At what age do you think that we realize we are just like our parents? In the past year I have seen so many similarities between myself and my mom especially. Part of me thinks, "Crap!" while another part (much smaller) thinks it's kind of cute. I definitely got frustrated with my mom last week when we were on our trip. But I realized the things I was getting frustrated with are things I do as well. I warned the boy that this is what he has to look forward to. And at the current rate of metamorphosis it's looking like he has a long time to find it funny and cute. I wonder if it will ever get old?

Birthday Blizzard

I'm back. And feeling rather sad today. First I'll say that the trip to VT was super...lots of riding, hiking, eating, and laughs. On Saturday the boy and I went to Boston to have dinner with my friend for my birthday. That was nice. We went to a Vietnamese restaurant which I had never been to. Very yummy. However, the boy had a bit of an attitude for a bit. I'm not sure why exactly, he just seemed to be acting weird. Yesterday was my actual birthday. I spent most of the day feeling sad and crying.
I always have grand expectations for my birthday. As I've aged I've tried to scale them back and not get my hopes up. And the last few years I've done well with it. But what can I say? This year I was let down. And I'm just not over it. Yeah, we got a blizzard yesterday and that had a lot to do with it. I didn't leave my apartment at all. But I didn't do much else either. I just didn't feel like it was my special day. I didn't expect to get anything from the boy and I didn't need to. All I wanted was to feel loved and doted on. Yeah, a card would have been nice. I'm having a really hard time with this. I know it sounds silly, but my perfect world with the boy has been shattered. And that probably scares me more than anything else.

Yippee

This morning I admitted to the boy that I have a bit of anxiety of the trip and he said, "oh please don't." For good reason of course. Every time we have something to go to I get all worked up. And then he wonders why we're going if I'm so stressed about it. Can't blame the kid. How can he possibly look forward to something if I'm freaking out about it. So my plan is to leave work at noon, go home, eat some lunch and then tackle the packing. That should give me plenty of time for a 3pm departure. And then we're off! I'm so excited =)

Sort of Vacation

Weekend was a pretty good one. Saturday we went to see an old sub which was a bit run down, but still cool nonetheless. And then we had lunch with the boy's parents which was nice. Yesterday was chore day which was annoying but I'm glad we got it out of the way. Tomorrow we are going to VT for a few days and I'm getting excited. Which of course means that it won't be fun. For some reason I think that if I look forward to something then it will be a bad experience. I don't know if there is any sold proof to this or not, but still I almost feel guilty because I'm getting excited. Of course it is a little nerve racking that I am going with my mom and my boyfriend and we're going to be packed in one room. I know that I shouldn't worry about them, but I can't help it. I want everyone to be OK and have fun. And then of course there is the fact that it's been warm as hell lately so there isn't any snow. Grr... Well, it can't be that bad, at least I won't be at work!

Swings

I'm struggling today between feeling grumbly and feeling OK. I'm trying so so hard to talk myself out of this. The boy is having a problem with his ex-girlfriend. I know that there is no chance that they will get back together. But for whatever reason it still bothers me. Probably because I want him to be done with that part of his life. And probably also because I'm feeling a little insecure. Wondering how he could be in a relationship with someone that really isn't all there. Of course I know that people act differently when they are feeling hurt or vulnerable or angry. Yes, I've been there myself. Logically there is absolutely no reason for me to be feeling this way. The right thing to do is acknowledge that I'm feeling this way and move one. Which is what I'm trying to do. I swear. I just need a little push. And then I can get my legs pumping on my own.

Midweek Romp

Snowboarding yesterday was so much fun. OK, it was frustrating too, but towards the end when I was starting to get the hang of it I was having a blast. Until all the kids came from school and then we high tailed it out of there. Going again next week to VT which I am looking forward to. Doesn't everyone go on vacation with their boyfriend AND mother?
In other news the boy didn't get the job so once again we're back in the WTF game. And now it looks like my job location might not change that much. But I shouldn't speculate. I know better than that.