Third Time is NOT a Charm

Last night, in a moment of affection, I squeezed the boy's hand. It was the hand he had busted a finger on a couple weeks ago. As soon as I saw the grimace on his face, I knew I had hurt him. I apologized immediately. He wasn't angry but within 30 seconds I was crying. I felt bad because I felt like it was something that I could have avoided. I should have known that was his bad hand. The boy asked what was wrong and I said, "It's stupid." Because it was stupid. I should not have been crying over something that I didn't mean to do, over something that he clearly wasn't upset about. And then as quick as it happened, I stopped crying and being sad about it. Usually this type of thing will ruin the rest of the day or night for me.
I have had 2 relationships worth mentioning. My first boyfriend and I started dating at the end of senior year in high school and stayed together for 3 1/2 years. I truly thought we might end up getting married. And if we were older we probably would have. He was my rock through very difficult times - mainly an eating disorder and depression. We ended up moving in together officially, and 2 months later I broke up with him because I didn't love him anymore. The second was almost 2 years ago and we dated for only 2 months before moving in together. He is known here as the ex. It was a while coming but by 10 months I told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore. We ended up staying until the end of our lease, this past spring.
The boy is technically moving back to his parent's place this week, though I have a feeling that he will be staying with me a lot. And I have no problem with that AT ALL. In fact, I like it. I like us. A lot. But I think I'm a little nervous that I'm going to end up hurting him like I did the last two. And perhaps that is why I had the mini episode last night. It's all starting to feel very real.

The Loss is Felt

Where should I start? It has been a trying bunch of days for me. And when I think about why, I'm slightly ashamed to admit that it is because I was not on center stage. The boy had so many things going on that I felt neglected. Between packing/moving, Thanksgiving, high school reunion, and being very sick, I was not his focus - SHOCKING! So I did what I usually do - threw a pity party that had me ending up in tears. But I'm starting to realize that it might have been something else that got me all worked up. His cat came to stay on Friday. She's adjusting very well and I'm glad to have an animal in the apartment again. I think she's happy and more importantly the boy is happy. However, this cat is a painful reminder of the dog that I lost in August. You see, I never did grieve that loss. I knew I wasn't at the time, but how can you make yourself grieve? I knew it would come back to bite me in the ass. And it did - 3 months later. And seeing the boy play with the cat and give her attention just made me sadder.
So I am very upset that I lost my dog. But very happy as well to finally feel it. I was beginning to think I was the worst mother ever.

Zap

I think I have hit a little roadblock. Yesterday and today I am feeling tired, anxious, and just plain grumpy. Which makes me want to eat. I suppose the fact that the boy is moving this week, it's Thanksgiving on Thursday, the boy's high school reunion is on Friday and work is just not that much fun is probably contributing to this sour puss. OK, soI know why. Can I go back to being relatively happy with my life now? There is nothing more frustrating than being grumpy. And I'm trying hard to will myself to feel better. But there is still that anxiety that zips through me faster than an electric eel through a river.
I'm trying to truck along. Do what I need to do and no more. Hopefully I'll catch up to that pot of gold up the road. And just maybe there will be a leprechaun to greet me.

Your Brain Usage Profile

Auditory : 37%
Visual : 62%
Left : 64%
Right : 35%

Hmm...What does that mean exactly? Apparently I am somewhat left-hemisphere dominant and show a preference for visual learning, although not extreme in either characteristic. I tend to do most things in moderation. My learning style is organized and structured, detail oriented and logical. My visual preference has me seeking stimulation and multiple data. I can "size up" situations and take in information rapidly. However, classifying and organizing the data causes me to "lose touch" with the immediacy of the problem. I "learn from experience" and can go through the process more rapidly on subsequent occasions. I remain predominantly functional in my orientation and practical. Abstraction and theory are secondary to application. I would say I pretty much agree with this. I'm not necessarily more one side than the other, but I am definitely more data and detail oriented. My boss always says that I'm great with projects, it's the daily grind that gets my panties in a bunch. True 'dat.
My favorite part of this? Career choices that would be ideal: Scientist, coach, athlete, design consultant, engineering technician. None of these are anywhere close to what I have studied. I don't think that a coach or athlete would be a very practical choice. You know, if I wanted any sort of standard of living. Let's be serious.

All in a days work

OK, the last 12 hours have brought the following:

• The boy has quit his job. Effective today.
• The boy is moving back to his parent's house.
• I will be taking care of his cat when he moves. I have never had a cat before.
• My ex e-mailed me at 12:30 a.m.
• My ex sent me a text message at 1:30 a.m.
• I sent my ex an e-mail that said we can not be friends. Period.
• The boy's parents like me.
• The boy might have a job lead. In his preferred field.

Now all this happening at once should send me to jump over the emotional cliff. So I'm not sure why I am OK with it. To be honest, it's a little unnerving. Either I'm getting better at rolling with the punches or I'm suppressing my feelings and a couple weeks from now I'll be a mess. Fingers crossed that I'm getting better. And that the job works out. I'm beginning to think that I'm the reason my boyfriends can't keep jobs. Which sounds absurd. But...(cringing) can it be true?

Wow

Happy 4 months to me and the boy! I had the best weekend with the best boyfriend EVER (yes, I know, it makes me want to gag a little too). The weekend brought all sorts of different feelings and emotions for me: sensitivity, anxiety, relief, sadness, energy, self hatred, laughter, happiness, contentment, exhaustion, awe. I feel like the weekend was one that brought everything together for me. I realized that I can be happy with the boy and not a moody bitch like I tend to be. That he is beginning to understand me and is trying to work with that, not against it. That maybe he does care about me, as much as I am convinced he's just with me because he has nothing better to do.
There is no question that I have issues with intimacy and relationships. But I realized something this weekend. I am definitely falling in love with this boy. As scared as I may be, I can't wipe the smile off my face.

The Ex

I ran into him this past weekend. Normal chit chat. He asked if I had a boyfriend ~ yes, same one ~ yes. And then he mentioned that he was seeing someone for a little bit and I could probably guess who. No, actually I can't. While I have no feelings towards him whatsoever, I must admit that part of me was perturbed when he said who. It's a girl (well woman but I call all females girls) that we would sometimes run into at the local hole in the wall bar. Last I heard she was pregnant. And now she has a 5 month son. Let's just say that she's a townie. Tatoo on her neck, her whole family (and I mean WHOLE family) lives in one house, her mother is retired and drinks all day. Apparently she broke up with him because he helped a (female) friend move and she thought he was having an affair. Yeah, it has drama written on it far and long.
Want to know what really bothers me about it? That he went from me (not a prize by any means, but I like to consider myself a decent catch) to someone like her. Now I know that it probably makes me sound like a snob or worse, but people from different socio backgrounds generally have different goals and agendas. My friends and family remind me that the breakup was very hard on him and he's probably just latching on to whatever he can get. I realize that. However I also realize that on the things that are important to me in a relationship, he was a step down for me on quite a few. And that realization frightens me.

Snooze

I think I have realized why I have been consistently 10 minutes late for work the past couple months.
The snooze button.
When the alarm sounds I push the snooze button. As a single gal, I was usually up within minutes. Not so with the boy next to me. I hit the snooze button and then try to snuggle him (which he will have none of, humph) and wish I didn't have to get up. To avoid getting up, I shut my eyes and inevitably fall back asleep. The alarm sounds again and by this point I am angry that I have to get up. As grumpy as I may be, the real problem is that it is now 9 minutes later than when I anticipated getting up. Hmm, 9 minutes extra sleep, 10 minutes late for work. Coincidence? I think not.
If my snooze button was only for 5 minutes, then I would only be 5 minutes late for work. {Side note: yes I realize that I could set my alarm earlier, but I refuse to do that. It's hard enough getting up that early...}
I think it makes complete sense to have an alarm clock that has a programmable snooze time. Apparently the rest of world does not agree. I have yet to find one.
Of course if I just got up when the stinking thing went off the first time around then it would be a moot point.

Time Out

Perhaps I have been living under a rock most of my adult life (and yes, I am beginning to think this might be true), I feel like I missed a critical relationship rule. Time apart.
The boy and I spend all our time together when we don't have anything else going on. And while I can't even fathom choosing not to spend my time with him, I have realized the importance of time apart. Not just for the sake of having our own interests, friends, lives, blah blah blah...but for the sheer emotion of missing him. I never thought that missing someone could actually be a GOOD thing. Hell, I didn't even know I could miss someone. Really miss someone. When we first started dating, we spent a lot of time apart. That was agonizing, but more in that "I've just started seeing someone and I want more" kind of way. Now it's agonizing in that "Our lives are starting to meld and I like it" kind of way.
For someone like me, it's always a gentle reassurance that I am on the right track.

My Friends Tell Me That I am a Good Listener

but I resent how they lose interest when I share.
When someone wants to talk to me or divulge something about themselves, I listen. I throw in an uh huh or OK and offer a comment or two if appropriate. Not only do I feel that this is the polite thing to do, I feel it is an obligatory part of every meaningful relationship. Most times I am completely interested in what is being said. But there are times I could care less. That's the way it goes - or at least that's the way I think it should go. I consider it a form of therapy. Cheap and reciprocal.
The problem for me is that I am very sensitive. If I am talking and I sense that the other person is distracted or disinterested, I immediately stop talking. This is because I don't want to burden another with my mundane chatter. So now you are probably thinking, "Huh? Didn't she just say that it's part of a give and take relationship?" Yes my friends I did. And inevitably I get mad at the other person for not wanting to hear what I have to say. Didn't I do a damn good job of pretending to care about what you had to say? Is it too much to ask for the same in return?
I refuse to believe that I am completely crazy on this one. However, I will acknowledge that perhaps I am reading too much into their behavior. After all, the whole point of me talking is for me. So who cares if they're bored?