Change

I've decided to start a new blog. It was a hard decision to make. On one hand I want to keep this simply becuase it's been my blog from the start and on the other hand I feel like I'm in such a different place than when I began this. I still feel a little conflicted about whether I want to import.

But for now you can find me here. And I hope you do.

Bachelor Parties and Trust

Well I feel better. Gosh, sometimes it is really good to get my feelings out there and not have it end up in a disaster. I was actually impressed at how many of you appreciated my honesty. Especially since I kind of felt bad about it all.

I guess I didn't realize that it might be hard for people to comment. Especially if people haven't been through it. I get it though, I do.

***

Last weekend BHF went to a bachelor party. When he initially found out the plan he told me and as soon as I heard the words STRIP and CLUB I tuned out. Actually, I think I said, "I don't want to hear anything more." So no more was discussed and I kissed him good-bye that evening and thought about saying something like, "Don't do anything I wouldn't want you to do" but decided to bite my tongue. Quite frankly that would have sounded a little (or a LOT) like I don't trust him. And I do.

I got myself some pizza and a couple movies that I knew BHF wouldn't like and had a nice relaxing night. Oh god, I even cried during 27 Dresses which isn't surprising given my crying history but still, it was nice to have the hormones to blame ;)

I went to bed around 10pm and figured BHF would probably be home around 1am. The dogs were super annoying, constantly moving on and off the bed and waking me up. BHF finally got home around 4:15am.

The next morning BHF woke up much earlier than anticipated and started telling me about his evening. We got up, ran some errands and went out for lunch. At lunch we discussed how far I've come. Because just a couple short years ago I would have flipped the fuck out.

I would have been a bitch for days leading up to the evening and definitely been crying when he left. When I woke up and saw that he wasn't home at 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am, my mind would have gone to a very bad place and I probably would have convinced myself that he met a stripper and was waiting until she got off her shift to go hang out with her and decide that he loves her and doesn't want to be with me.

Crazy, no?

And yet, I truly would have believed it.

Can I just say that oh my god, trust and self-esteem are some amazingly good qualities to have in a relationship? And oh my god, I'm so glad that I finally have them?

I'm not going to lie, it didn't hurt either that BHF told me that while the rest of the guys were off getting private dances he was sitting at the bar watching the Red Sox.

Feelings

I've been on the fence. Wanting to kill this blog, not sure if for good or to move on to another. Sometimes I just get so insecure and protective of myself.

I'm not going to lie. I was hurt that I only got a handful of comments after the miscarriage. I was sad and angry that so many wanted to share in my happy news and only a few were there for the sad news. I know circumstances arise and people have their own lives but I often find myself feeling the same way I felt in high school: left out and unpopular. And then I tell myself to get over it because the world does not revolve around me and really, this is the internet. I may feel like I know you all but I don't. It's just the nature of the relationship.

I guess I needed to get that off my chest because lately I haven't really wanted to share anything. And that brings me to my original statement. I want to blog about this period in my life and yet I've become very protective of my feelings. So I'm just not sure. I thought I should be honest.

A Little Ray of Sunshine Can Mean So Much

Trying to Deal

I need to relax. NEED to. I just don't know how to right now. I'm trying to stay positive but the doubt creeps in and I can't deal. I am watching my symptoms obsessively and today I have a bad feeling and it makes me want to throw up.

I received an (mass) e-mail from MOH that she is pregnant, due at the end of February. I am so happy for her, I am truly. And yet it makes me fixate on my situation and gah I'm back to being negative.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about it because other than just relax what can be said that is helpful? I'm just being my anxious self and that's all there is to it. I read percentages and they're in my favor but still...they were in my favor before and I still miscarried.

I hate living in this fear. HATE IT.

I'm scared for Thursday but I know it needs to be done. One way or the other it will indicate a future. One way or the other.

Oh.My.God

I haven't spoken about my MOH in a while...mostly there isn't much to say. I went to her shower, went to her wedding and have heard nothing from her other than the obligatory thank you cards. We ran into each other a couple weekends ago and it was fine - we hugged, chit chatted and that was it. I still feel a little weird and conflicted about the whole thing but the ball is in her court and has been for a while so there isn't much I can do about it.

My mom just informed me that she heard that my MOH is pregnant and might be due in April.

I haven't told you our due date have I? It's April 15th.

Triggers

When I was about 12, playing a game of rec soccer, I got hit in the face with a soccer ball. I immediately started crying. At the time I remember thinking it doesn't even hurt so why am I crying? It was the shock, of course, that made me cry.

That's how I feel about the miscarriage. It was a lot of things...finding out just a week earlier that I was carrying twins, watching the screen and knowing something wasn't right before the tech even said anything, the doctor saying, "remember I told you this might happen" (although she told us it might happen just 5 minutes before...perhaps a week prior would have been a little more helpful), needing to be alone but having to listen to condolences and positive spins (but the other one is doing terrific!) being thrown at us, having to adjust back to carrying a singleton and wondering if it would even make it.

After we found out I was carrying twins I said that even if one doesn't make it we still have the other. I said it without feeling any sort of worry or remorse if that should happen. I meant it.

The shock of everything - the whole experience the last week and a half has just been very overwhelming and that point, lying on the table, feeling so vulnerable both mentally and physically was the breaking point for me I guess. It was the soccer ball in the face again and I had no choice but to cry, even if it didn't hurt that much.

Better

When I left work yesterday I felt so much better. I'm not sure why exactly. Maybe it was telling people what happened and SHOCK! I didn't completely die of shame. Not that I thought I should but I don't know. Maybe it was e-mailing with my friend for most of the day and having her be awesome and send me an e-card that made me cry but was comforting just the same.

Maybe it was me finally realizing that just as God doesn't give us anything we can't handle, Everything happens for a reason. It was not meant to be.

Honestly, I kind of feel a bit relieved now.

Don't get me wrong, two would have been a gift but there would have needed to be so many changes that we weren't ready for. Someone was going to have to stay home from work, we would have needed a bigger car, our house is small and it wouldn't take too long before it felt too cramped. Not to mention that I, naturally, worried about the dogs.

Of course now my worry is for this one little baby still hanging out in there. I'm trying to be positive and most of what I've read is that in the case of a vanishing twin the other does just fine. I hope so. I really do.